An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.
GROWING up, I was taught as a female to cover up any parts of my body that could be deemed ‘sexy’. In the church ‘branch’ I belonged to, it was considered a sin to dress ‘seductively’ or to show too much skin. I’m not talking about streaking or strutting around in your lingerie. I’m talking about mini skirts or crop tops or low necklines. The action was bad because it would cause our ‘brothers to stumble’. In other words, if they had sexual thoughts about us, they would be sinning. So, it was ‘unkind and wrong’ to put them in that position.
Because I was in the church from a young age, I grew up with strong modesty morals. Then, years later, when my day job was in a church, I became obsessed with modesty. I was petrified of being judged as sinful and the resultant feeling of shame that comes from being deemed ‘not good enough’. I hated anyone to think that I was trying to tempt married men to sin. It became so bad that I would do up every button when I wore a collared shirt to work, and if the top button wasn’t right by my neck, I would pin that section together with a safety pin to the point where I was almost being choked by the neckline. I felt deeply self-conscious around the men at the church, especially if they were married. If I thought they may be attracted to me in any way, I was to blame because I had caused that. My discomfort around them only compounded the issue (as they sensed my nervousness and became uncomfortable, too) and deepened my shame.
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After coming out of the church, it took me years to heal in this area. I began to come across material online that blew open my mind. I realised that I wasn’t responsible for the thoughts or actions of others. And that sexual thoughts weren’t wrong – it’s what people did with them that mattered – how they treated others. (And that women also have sexual thoughts, and that men aren’t these uncontrollable monsters that are raging with lust – they’re just normal sexual human beings like most of us are – except those who are asexual.)
I learned about rape culture and the objectification of women’s bodies and how women are blamed if they get raped for ‘dressing badly’ as if they were asking for someone to be violent against them – to be sexual with them without their consent. That women’s bodies are for display purposes and not way more important things like doing stuff that we enjoy, playing sport, dancing, working, resting, eating, swimming, being. Now, I’m pretty angry about the whole thing!
Our bodies belong to us alone
I learned about the concept of consent – that women’s bodies belong to them and do not belong to their husband or anyone else. That we are allowed to say no if we don’t want to partake in a sexual activity of any kind when we are having a casual or committed relationship or are married. That we should be respected and our bodies’ responses taken seriously. That we are sexual beings, too, and deserve a sexual partner to be considerate of our desires and not just theirs – that a good relationship is based on mutual consideration and communication. That we can dress however we like – obviously to a point – where we don’t cross legal barriers and remain respectful to our culture at large. If we want to wear a mini skirt or crop top, why not? I mean, in this hot summer, it would be a lot more comfortable for some.
The ‘Me Too’ movement
In recent years, after the ‘Me Too’ movement, more and more women are speaking out about their rights to their own bodies and about consent. Nowadays, consent is the new chivalry. Women find it romantic to be asked, at every step, whether they want to partake in an activity, from holding hands to BDSM. Why is this so important? Well, for one, women are autonomous human beings who deserve just as much respect and sexual pleasure as men. And doing something that someone doesn’t want is not only lacking in respect for that person, but it’s a violation and abusive, and it’s not pleasurable. And well, it’s not a great way to build a strong relationship.
Women have been silenced because some men don’t want to own up to the times they may have crossed those lines and done things without consent. Whether through ignorance or purposeful harm, it is time for men (and also women) everywhere to take responsibility for how they treat others. It’s time to change the dynamics. Yes, there are sometimes women who falsely accuse men of things they didn’t do as a means of revenge or to get attention, eg, with a celebrity. It is a possibility that someone like Amber Heard did that with Johnny Depp. But, those instances are less common than the true instances of abuse. So, everyone should have a chance to have their say. (And I’m not saying that women don’t abuse men and also women in relationships.)
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In all, I won’t judge someone who dresses modestly. In fact, I’m still quite a modest dresser as it’s ingrained in me and I’m a bit of a people-pleaser. I’d rather be considered staid than slutty. And if someone’s faith makes them believe that it’s important to be modest, let them hold that as a sacred practice. But I hope that everyone, including those of faith, will realise that women’s bodies are not ornaments, sexual objects, or sinful. That we use our bodies for all sorts of things, and they belong to us and only us, and we can choose to do with them whatever we wish. And we deserve to stand up for our protection and respect at all times!
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