We speak, listen and interpret what we hear through filters. What we think we hear, is therefore often not what the other person is actually saying. What we mean, is also often not what the other actually hears.
These filters consist amongst other things of our own thoughts, how feel at that moment, our expectations about what we want to hear, our self esteem, personality, experiences from the past and how our parents acted towards one another, to name but a few. Research has shown that our brain is able to absorb many pieces of information but through our filters we delete, distort and generalize certain pieces of information.
We are left with much less information and therefore much less possibilities. The information which remains, is then in accordance with what we were expecting to find. We continue believing and experiencing the limited possibilities we believe to be true.
We often focus so much on what we want to avoid in our relationships, that instead of noticing that something else could be possible, we only retain information which confirms our suspicions, disappointment and allow our unwanted patterns to continue. If we are aware that we might be deleting, distorting and generalizing information, we might look at things differently, allow more possibilities and drastically improve our communication.
How do we practically do it? First get the full picture. Repeat what you thought you heard. Ask sincere questions about what you thought was said and in that way prevent assumptions. Why do we so often experience things as a personal attack? Much of what the other says, is actually a result of his/her own experiences, mood etc. and actually have very little to do with us. Know and understand each other’s needs.
The need for love and acceptance is often the root which feeds misunderstandings and arguments. Discover your own unresolved emotions of the past and also those of your partner. We often say things unintentionally, which poke in our partner’s wounds (unresolved emotions).
He/she will then react to the pain or emotions which have been triggered, instead of what you actually meant.
