Any kind of abuse is painful

Maria* is a 29-year-old domestic violence survivor, and while she was not the one being physically abused, she witnessed her mother being abused.

The emotional abuse affected her just the same.

Growing up
“When I was young, my father used to not only abuse alcohol but my mother too. From a very young age I was exposed to emotional and physical abuse,” Maria said.
“I don’t remember many happy moments we had as a family. One would think I could at least mention a few, but sadly that is not the truth.”
The Benoni resident said she recalls one happy moment with her father.
“I do remember sitting on the porch outside on my father’s lap one night, he was so calm and filled with love. I remember looking at him thinking – you are my father, the person who will protect me from all the monsters under my bed,” she said.
“Sadly, for a long time, the monster under my bed came out after one too many drinks and pushed mom to the floor, hit her and beat her so badly. I can recall how frightened I was – hands shaking, tears rolling and fear taking over every part of my tiny body.
“Hearing the desperate voice of my mother crying out for help is something I will never forget.
“It always seemed like nothing we did was ever good enough. One moment we would be laughing and the next all hell would break loose. As a child I remember feeling terrified all the time, just waiting for the next bomb to explode.”
From a young age, Maria went into ‘protect mode’ as she tried to take care of her mother.
“I realised the beating would calm down when I was in her arms, so I protected her from my father. As long as I was in her arms, he wouldn’t raise his hand,” she said.
“I had two half-brothers who lived with us; my oldest brother tried his best to protect my other brother and me.
“He took on being the protector and kept us in his room, trying to block out what was going on outside.
“Sometimes, he got it right and the music in the room would be so loud we would not hear a single blow, a single glass piece drop or a single cry for help.
“Sadly, that all came crashing down as the door would open after the fight and I would see my mom beaten and bleeding.
“My childhood was stripped away from me and I grew up too fast. My mom and I left when I was seven years old.”
Maria said emotional abuse is far more painful.
“Emotional abuse is somewhat harder and a road that tends to be alone because there is no physical bruise, cut or blue eye you can show, so many people think it can’t be that bad then.”
She went through a journey of self-blame.
“For a very long time, I thought what happened was because of me. If you are told it is because of you that your mom was beaten and battered, you eventually start believing it,” she said.
“It took me a very long time to understand that it wasn’t because of me. My father’s actions were a reflection of him and not a reflection of me nor my self-worth.
“The journey to recovery for my mom and me was not an easy journey and at times I think I am still healing.”
Maria said she got tired of feeling sad, scared, worthless and tired, so she developed the courage to ask her dad to choose between her and his lifestyle.
“Sadly, he chose not to and for a few years I didn’t see him. This is where I believe I healed the most because I removed myself from a toxic environment.”

Results of the emotional abuse
I grew up way too fast and was always concerned about my mom’s safety.
I tried to block out the trauma I had experienced by suppressing my emotions and tried to fill the feeling of being rejected and unwanted by my father with things that were extremely unhealthy.
I continued to attract partners who had many of the same traits and behaviour as my father, which continued until I completely lost myself and ended up not knowing who I am.

Decisions taken
I made the conscious decision to face my demons and sit in a pit with my feelings to deal with them as this is the only way to heal. I also had to close the chapter to that part of my life and begin to build the life I wanted.
I decided to not define myself by my past but to embrace the future that lies ahead of me.
“Your abuser will say sorry, but it’s rarely with any remorse,” she shared.
“Having no physical sign of abuse does not mean a person isn’t trapped in an abusive relationship or household. Never dismiss a cry for help, you don’t need to see the physical for it to be real.

Life today
“Today, my mom is happily married to an incredible man who treats her with the utmost respect, loves her with all his heart and soul and has been her confidant and life partner for 20 years.
“He has raised me like his own and has loved me endlessly without question. He has shown me what a father should be and has played an enormous part in who I am today.
“I look back on my life and can say with confidence that even though the first seven years were filled with chaos, the other 22 years have been filled with challenges but also with love, peace and respect.
“By the grace of God, my mom and I are happy and enjoying our lives today.”

*Pseudonym 

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