How to raise a negotiator long before they reach the boardroom

Negotiation may sound like something reserved for boardrooms, courtrooms and high-stakes business deals, but parents are already watching it unfold at home.

From bedtime battles and homework to screen time and arguments over who gets the front seat, children are constantly learning how to express what they want, listen to others and find a compromise.

According to Advocate Veerash Srikison, a mediator and lecturer in Leadership at the Stellenbosch Business School Executive Development, negotiation is not simply a professional skill children learn later in life.

“Negotiation is a life skill, and, like every life skill, it is best learned early and practised daily,” she says.
She says parents can help children develop these skills by moving away from simply making decisions for them and instead involving them in decisions that affect them.

“When you teach your child to negotiate, you are not raising a sharper dealmaker. You are raising an adult who can disagree without destroying, who can hear an opposing view without feeling threatened, and who can solve problems with words rather than walls,” says Srikison.

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and the South African Children’s Act recognise children’s right to be heard in matters affecting them, with their views considered according to their age, development and maturity.

Giving children a voice, however, does not mean giving them control over every household decision.

“When you listen to your child, you teach them to reason and a child who learns to reason learns to negotiate rather than to demand,” says Srikison.

One way parents can start is by helping children understand the difference between a position and an interest.

For example, a child demanding to stay up an extra hour may appear to be asking only for a later bedtime. But the reason behind the request could be wanting more time with their parents or feeling like they are missing out.

Understanding that underlying interest creates an opportunity for compromise. A parent might allow a later bedtime on weekends in exchange for a calmer weekday routine.

Parents can also give children choices within clear boundaries. Instead of asking an open-ended question such as, “What would you like to do?”, parents could ask whether the child would prefer to do homework before or after supper.

Both options remain acceptable to the parent, while the child experiences genuine decision-making.
Srikison also encourages parents to praise the reasoning behind a child’s argument, rather than focusing only on whether they got what they wanted.

When a child considers another person’s needs or presents a fair argument, acknowledging that effort teaches them that negotiation is about perspective, fairness and problem-solving.

“Most conflicts are misunderstandings in disguise, and a genuine question often dissolves them,” she says.

Children also learn by watching how adults handle disagreement. Parents who communicate respectfully, particularly when negotiating with a partner, demonstrate that conflict does not have to become hostile.

Some of the most difficult conversations, however, involve issues such as divorce, illness, money, grief or challenges a child may be facing themselves.

In these moments, Srikison says protecting children should not mean shutting them out completely.

“I have witnessed the harm done when parents, meaning only to protect, shut their children out of conversations that reshape the children’s entire world,” she says.

Children should not be burdened with adult responsibilities or unnecessary detail, but age-appropriate honesty can help them understand what is happening.

Parents can choose an appropriate time to talk, explain what will remain the same before discussing what will change, use clear language and give children space to ask questions and express their feelings.

Sometimes, listening without immediately trying to solve the problem can be the most valuable response.

“Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, ‘That’s a hard thing to feel, and I’m here to listen to you,” says Srikison.

For parents, the goal is not to raise children who always get their way. It is to raise children who can express themselves, understand another perspective and work towards solutions without turning every disagreement into a battle.

And that lesson does not begin when they enter a boardroom.

It begins at home, in the everyday negotiations that teach a child that having a voice also means learning how to listen.

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