Women’s Month: Money and power in relationships

Different ideas about household finances and complex dynamics influencing financial control can destroy relationships. However, love can triumph when both partners discuss their financial concerns openly and objectively to find workable solutions to meet their needs.

“Other than infidelity, financial difficulties and disagreements are the next leading cause of divorce,” says Jodi Tromp, a clinical psychologist who practises at Netcare Akeso George. ‘Financial infidelity’, occurs when one partner conceals their financial decisions and activities from the other in a way that affects their joint financial situation.

“The strain an overextended budget causes, not meeting financial responsibilities or not having financial control and independence often causes increased anxiety in the relationship. This can lead to blame and resentment, two dynamics powerful enough to end a marriage,” Tromp points out.

“Dynamics around finances in a marriage can be complex and have far-reaching impact on the health of the marriage and the family in general. Coming into a marriage, each spouse has unconscious practices and beliefs when it comes to planning and managing their money.”  

If one spouse believes that strict budgeting and saving are the responsible way, but the other values life’s unpredictability and spontaneity leading to more spending, these philosophies will eventually clash.

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Financial power dynamics and matrimonial harmony

“Financial power dynamics can also influence matrimonial harmony, where one spouse may exert control by either withholding or limiting the financial freedom of the other spouse, especially if that spouse is financially dependent.

“Traditional patriarchal views about a woman’s role in domestic financial management are changing and globally women are becoming more financially independent. Unfortunately, in many households, these changes are yet to be adopted and accepted,” Tromp says.

“On an individual level, financial independence for women can provide a sense of empowerment, achievement and security. This is especially true within marriage, where men have traditionally been the breadwinners. Feeling empowered and secure can reduce anxiety and create a sense of safety for emergencies such as losing your job.”

Tromp says on a broader level, greater financial independence for women contributes to a more progressive society, helping to rebalance deeply rooted gender biases. This works towards strengthening partnerships and can reduce power imbalances, ultimately contributing to deeper marriage satisfaction.

“Working to become financially independent in a marriage, where previously one was financially dependent, requires adjustment for both partners.  Practically, becoming financially independent often includes a shift in responsibilities that calls for an adjustment in existing roles in the marriage and the household.”

She warns that adapting to the changes may initially take some getting used to, as routines and roles will shift and this can be uncomfortable, but clear and open communication regarding these changes will make the adjustment smoother.

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The benefit of sense of empowerment for relationships

“Psychologically, the sense of empowerment and security can provide a newly financially independent person with more negotiating power and confidence within the marriage. This can shift an existing power dynamic in either a positive or negative manner,” Tromp says.

Should the power dynamic shift more positively, the individual may feel personal satisfaction in being able to contribute meaningfully to the family’s finances and sharing these responsibilities with their partner, she says.

It may also sometimes happen that the power dynamic can lead to marital problems, if not navigated with honesty. If one partner feels they are no longer needed, or the change makes them feel insecure, this could potentially motivate them to try to exert control in some other, more problematic, way,” she warns.

“The psychological adjustment needed can be eased with open, non-defensive communication. Discussing financial habits, anxieties and expectations can help to avoid conflict, blame and resentment.

“The key is to calmly discuss, with open minds, your own ideas about money and financial management, while being sensitive to the differences in each person’s ideas. Create a middle ground that will bring security for both spouses.”

Tromp says this will ultimately reduce anxiety and conflict and improve family dynamics. If needed, mental health professionals can assist couples and individuals with communicating their needs and finding mutually rewarding solutions to strengthen the relationship and nurture both individuals’ strengths.