• Cliff Buchler, former Managing Editor of Caxton West Rand writes:

I came across an article in the Daily Maverick of yesteryear in which Tim Cohen writes: “It is time for South Africa’s two biggest parties to get real and smash through the STOP-short-term-calculation sign. The ANC and the DA owe it to a country that is on its knees economically, socially and emotionally. They must join forces to ensure extremism does not take over.”

Perhaps Cyril Ramaphosa and John Steenhuisen will heed the call, making this dreamed-up piece a possibility.
John’s landline phone rings. Too early, and it’s Saturday, for goodness sake, thinks a fuddled John after a battle royal with his old-guard MPs the day before. At least Helen Zille found time between her tweeting to help prevent veteran Progressives (sic) from calling back pitiful policies. A disturbed sleep too, was surely not conducive to intelligent conversation.

“Hi Johnno,” booms a friendly voice. Familiar. Can it be? thinks John. “It’s Cyril here. You know, your president?”

“Oh, heavens, sorry Mr President, I’m still a little befogged. What can I do for you?”

“John, call me Cyril – or Bull, if you like. Tee-hee. You know there’s the big election looming, and it’s essential we smoke the peace pipe and tie the knot.”

This shocks John into a moment of silence, thinking opium and LGBTQ. “No, no Cyril. I don’t suck pipe and I’m not multi-functional.”

“Don’t be daft, John. I’m talking symbolism. Peace pipe and tied knot, meaning getting together and forming a coalition. Where did you do your schooling?”

“Of course, Cyril, it’s just my mind is pre-occupied with factions in my party.”

“Oh, come on, John, you know nothing about factions. My party is strung together with factions. Be that as it may, to a greater or lesser degree we both share the same internal problems that could cost us dearly, and a good enough reason for getting into bed. No, no, John, before you again get the wrong idea. I don’t really want to share a bed. Imagine a bull and a sheep. . . tee-hee, you are a bit of a skaapkop, eh, Johnno?”

John hits back. “At least I’m not a bull in a China shop, and don’t hold with the bad bat broth brigade, ha-ha-snigger-ha. Now we’re quits, eh? But what you say makes good sense. However, I have one condition. You get shot of all the corrupt cadres before the election. A plus would be if they’re arrested and behind bars by then.”

“I was going to do that in any case, so that’s taken care of. Now my condition. You must fire the pale faces refusing to accept black people. And bring back Mmusi Maimane, Mbali Ntuli and Bongani Baloyi to make the DA more credible in the eyes of the black electorate. What do you say?”

“Sounds like an uphill task and that for a skaapkop. But I’ll give it my best shot.”

“Great news, Johnno. It’s the way to go, even though we’ll make strange bedfellows, tee-hee.”

“Ha-ha-snigger-ha-ha. I caught that one, Cyril.”

“Great, John. Now get back under the duvet and dream of me. No, no, John, not like that. Tee-hee.”

Click. Looks like a hectic time looms for the betrothed.