Bloody hell, words fail me

I couldn’t agree more. I count myself among a wide range of people in South Africa who bleed, mostly from injuries sustained on Friday nights. What do we do? We insert a tampon into the bullet hole or stab wound and we carry on drinking. No mess, no fuss. Thanks, Tampax! Ah, words.

I remember a time when we could safely deploy them in conversations, secure in the knowledge that their meanings and definitions had been nailed down aeons ago and printed in dictionaries for all to see. There would be no quibbling, unless you were playing Scrabble.

Now, conversations are a high risk activity. Accusations of bigotry and stereotyping are quick to fly and even pronouns are a minefield of their own. Casual assumptions are as ill-advised as casual sex. One careless remark and it’s, “Waiter, another round and a box of Tampax for my friend with the oozing bite marks on his face.”

Here are some words you might want to avoid in future.

Abdomen – A part of the anatomy out of touch with modern classifications. Women are sensitive about their stomach area and would prefer not to think of men whenever they see the word, especially if they have a Caesarean scar and stretch marks.

Baby – A discriminatory word used to label neonatal humans as somehow pathetic simply because they have not yet acquired the ability to lie, cheat and steal. Also a confusing word, since Donald Trump is often described as a “big baby” despite having an abundance of these abilities.

Cirrhosis – An unpleasant word invented by thin-lipped harridans of the Temperance Movement to frighten people into not drinking alcohol. It suggests the liver is a weak, effeminate organ that should be treated with kid gloves. This is nonsense. The liver is the size of a watermelon and is feared by inferior organs like the spleen. It never complains and will fight to the death, which often comes sooner than expected.

Dad – a trigger word for people who aren’t fathers. As Tampax might have it, not all fathers are men and not all people with fathers are people.

Ecofreak – A word for do-gooders with bad teeth who are killing the world with kindness. We live on a badass planet that enjoys a bit of the rough stuff. Tornados, floods and earthquakes are the Earth’s way of thanking us for using fossil fuels and fracking the shit out of things. We mollycoddle this beast at our peril.

Father Christmas – A dangerous fabrication by parents that if their children are good, an overweight white man will give them stuff. It worked for people like Nomvula Mokonyane and Vincent Smith, but now Gavin “Santa” Watson is “dead” and there are no more free lunches.

German shepherd – Offensive to shepherds, this breed needs to be rebranded or discontinued. Its long association with the police will never be forgiven or forgotten.

Honesty – Offensive to politicians who struggle with the concept through no fault of their own. They possess a criminal gene inherited from their mothers and it is discriminatory to compare them to people who find it easy not to steal. Dishonesty is a medical condition and they should be given help. Fortunately in South Africa, there are many in the service of government prepared to give them a hand in return for 10% commission.

Impoverished – Insensitive to the poverished. Wealthy people should not have to risk eye contact with the impoverished whenever they stop at a traffic light. They should be allowed to go about their business without being made to feel guilty.

Jehovah’s Witness – Offensive to those who are triggered by the sound of a doorbell. Adherents to this intrusive faith should be rounded up and put in the Jehovah’s Witness protection programme for their own safety.

Killer whales – Creates inferiority complexes among other whales who would like to be more assertive but were raised as pacifists. They should be called Murder Dolphins rather than Willy.

Lactose-intolerant – Offensive to those who consume dairy products. Milk-drinkers, eaters of cheese and pudding-dabblers are rarely tolerant of the lactose-intolerant. There is enough intolerance in this world. Also, uncomfortable bloating is not an illness.

Male pattern baldness – Scientists are divided over whether this is caused by a deficiency of androgen or excessive masturbation. Perhaps coincidentally, a lot of younger men with cue ball craniums behave like complete wankers. It’s not their fault. Thinning in women starts as a widening of the centre parting and ends with a homicide.

Neanderthal – Insensitive to those who have fallen behind in the evolutionary process. It is considered more courteous to refer to them as “trophy hunters” or “misogynists”.

Ovaries – These are places where people keep their eggs. Not all people with ovaries are women. Sometimes eggs are fertilised by a man, or a person who is not a man, and other times they are released back into the wild, which is where Tampax comes in.

Penis – Triggering to everyone, even its owner who, it must be said, is not always a man. An ugly word for an unsightly appendage, people who have one must be encouraged to give theirs a less threatening name. Girl’s names work well, as do ambisexual names like Alex and Robin.

Queer – A now permanent member of the LGBTQI acronym, which, much like the universe, is constantly expanding as new genders are discovered every day. The letter M is currently awaiting approval for full membership.

Racist – Offensive to people who suffer from cognitive dissonance. In other words, believing themselves not to be racist while simultaneously believing their race to be superior to others. Call them something else. Or just don’t call them.

Sex – A confusing term once used to denote gender but which fell into disuse after fluctuations in the definition of gender which once denoted sex. Also used to denote coitus between two or more people who aren’t necessarily men or women. Obsolete in marriage.

Trans fats – Doctors advise us to avoid trans fats because they are a bad influence on our cholesterol. This is offensive to fats that are transitioning, which is entirely their right. Call it flab-in-flux if you have to call it anything. Oh dear. I’m out of space. It’s probably for the best. Uterus would have been a tricky one.

For more news your way, download The Citizen’s app for iOS and Android.