Bracing for the R-word: talking to your children about rape

Pretending bad things do not happen does not protect your child or their innocence. It only makes them more vulnerable.

The Courier asked the opinion of Ballito based counselling psychologist Lisa Grant-Stuart on when and how to talk about sensitive subjects such as rape and sexual abuse.

Her response was that children need to be prepared for reality.

She said that because of the sensitivity of the issue, it would need to be explained differently depending on the child’s age.

“When smaller children ask what rape is, instead of ignoring the question, it is better to simply explain that it is one person hurting another very badly and that they will need to go to jail for what they did,” said Grant-Stuart, the mother of two children.

She gave the following advice to help parents brave this difficult discussion:

1. Start talking early

Parents need to take the initiative.

“You set the tone for sexual discussions throughout your child’s life and the sooner you talk about it the better.

“Start this conversation from the age of about three or when they are potty trained as their bodies start becoming more their own and they have more autonomy over their bodies.”

2. Make it age-appropriate

Three to eight years: Instead of using the word rape, GrantStuart suggested the term ‘body secrets’.

“Explain that any parts covered by a bathing suit are off limits. My daughter’s school did a sweet poem about their ‘no-no square’, referring to their torso as the square.”

Eight to twelve: At this age, according to Grant-Stuart, your child needs more concrete information and they often have loads of questions because they are in that finding out phase.

This is also where they hear things from older teens and siblings, so be prepared and answer every question as best you can.

12 to 18: Consent is a big topic at this stage, so make sure to give your child additional information about this.

“They may be experimenting sexually at this age and it is crucial that they understand the importance of giving and getting permission.”

TIP: Have a code word that your child can use if he or she is feeling uncomfortable. If they message you the code word, you know to come to get them.

3. Keep it cool

“How the parent goes in is important – if you go in afraid and anxious, it creates that negative tone. You want to create an askme-anything climate in your home so that when your children hear or see something at school or online, they feel comfortable to talk to you about it,” said Grant-Stuart.

4. Empower, don’t scare

Talking about rape is not about scaring them, but rather about creating awareness and empowering them to deal with the reality we live in. As an adult, she suggested trying to take the fear out of the topic and making it more light-hearted through roleplay games in which you teach them the difference between someone touching their toe versus their ‘no-no’ square.

“Practice screaming and running away with your child so that they know how to react and what to do should they ever be in such a situation. Studies show that children who are more knowledgeable about rape and body secrets are able to protect themselves much better.”

5. Teach and respect body boundaries

“Parents often forget about their child’s body boundaries – if I am tickling my son and he says stop, I need to stop. Children need to understand their space and parents need to respect it,” said Grant-Stuart.

If you still feel you are battling with the discussion, ask the school if they will be covering the topic or go to a psychologist for guidance.

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