We’ve all been there.

The tears come fast. Voices get louder. Doors slam. Or maybe it’s quieter, with withdrawal, shutdown and that overwhelmed “I can’t do this” feeling.

Whether it’s your child or you, this is what Dr Dan Siegel calls “flipping your lid.” Understanding what is happening in those moments can completely change how you respond.

When something feels overwhelming, the brain’s alarm system – the amygdala – detects a threat and reacts instantly. It doesn’t stop to check whether the threat is real or perceived.

Within milliseconds:
• Stress hormones surge
• The body shifts into fight, flight or freeze
• Communication with the thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) is reduced and temporarily goes offline
This is the “flip” – its not physical, but functional.

The thinking brain becomes temporarily less accessible, which is why:
• Your child can’t listen
• Logical reasoning becomes difficult
• Reactions take over

This is often called an “amygdala hijack,” a term used to describe when the emotional brain overrides the thinking brain. In that moment, the brain is choosing survival over reasoning.

You can’t reason with a brain in survival mode. The goal is not to stop the behaviour, it’s to restore regulation first.

The CALM reset

When the lid flips, think CALM:
C – Calm yourself first
Your nervous system sets the tone. Slow your breathing. Lower your voice. Soften your body.

A – Anchor safety
Before correction comes connection. Stay close. Stay present. Reduce pressure. You are helping the brain feel safe again.

L – Label the feeling
You could say “You are really frustrated” or “That felt overwhelming.”
Naming emotions helps reduce intensity and supports the thinking brain to come back online.

M – Move to teach (later)

Only once calm returns:
• Talk it through
• Problem-solve
• Build better responses

Now the brain is ready to learn.

Reframe
A dysregulated child is not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time.

Your role in that moment is not to control behaviour, it’s to lead the nervous system back to safety.

Meltdowns are not interruptions to parenting. They are the moment parenting matters most. When the lid flips – yours or theirs – bring calm, connection and safety first. Because when the brain feels safe again the thinking and the learning will follow.

May Coomer is an NLP life and brain coach working with children and families on emotional regulation, confidence, and resilience. She is based at Eden Village in Foxhill, Salt Rock.

Contact: 083 856 5665