Kathy’s Window: I can’t give up yet!

An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.

WE’VE all heard that phrase, ‘Don’t give up,’ and it’s kind of become a cliché. Sometimes, we should give up because something is no longer working for us – no longer serving us in our lives. But when you still love something but it’s hard, those words can be powerfully apt.

Not everyone believes in God or the Universe or some power beyond ourselves, and that’s okay, but I can’t help feeling that there is something as I’ve seen a lot of things in my life that point towards an unconditional, powerful love that is helping us through the trials of life – helping us to grow as people.

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Growing up, I was not a sporty kid. I used to come last in all the school races, especially for swimming. I wasn’t chosen for sports teams or athletic events. I remember how awful I was at high jump – how I used to almost always knock the bar over. My one friend and I were both bad, but she stopped doing it. I don’t judge her for that. I understand – deeply, in fact. Unless you’ve been in the position of always being worse than others and always coming last, you don’t know how it feels. It wears away at your self-esteem. For some reason, I kept trying the high jump. Maybe a part of me was determined to somehow conquer it or I just felt I had to – I can’t remember. But something I do remember is my classmates praising me for never giving up. That made my day, and I never forgot those words. Those words speak to me now, reminding me of the power of never giving up.

Fast forward a few decades – I won’t share how many – I find myself in the same position. I’ve been coming last again. I’ve been taking part in line dancing competitions for almost a year now, and I’d say that 90% of the time, I’ve come last in the events I’ve taken part in. It’s really hard because you work so hard and practise and think you have improved, but everyone else improves even faster than you – even people who started after you.

This past weekend, I took part in a dance competition in Winklespruit. My dance friends and I had such fun. It’s a chance to spend time with your friends, dress up all glam, and dance – do the thing that makes you happy. But it’s also a competition – that’s mostly why you’re there.

I came last in my category again! I was devastated. I thought that, finally, this time, I would come something other than last. I believed that I had improved – I’d put so much into my self-expression, my arms, my technique. I’d practised during my lunch break once a week for months. Yes, I had improved, but not enough to win a decent place.

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My immediate thought was that I should stop entering competitions. But I didn’t want to stop going to them with my friends and being part of the whole vibe. I enjoyed the process and loved the lessons. But I didn’t think it was worth the effort and financial cost if I just ended up being humiliated and disappointed every time.

As proof of the great support our dance group has for one another, one of my dance friends came and stood behind me and talked to me. I’m not sure how she did it, but she persuaded me to continue.

At the end of the awards ceremony, which I pretty much didn’t take in due to my emotions taking over, they had a draw for a raffle ticket competition. They called my name, and I won all expenses paid for next year’s competition.

I believe that was a sign from the Universe that I’m meant to continue. I shouldn’t give up. I have a goal to reach a certain level. If it takes me years and years to get there, then so be it. Yes, I may leave one day if it no longer serves me, but for now, it’s serving me in many ways. I’ve grown in confidence. From being a reserved person who suffered from stage fright and couldn’t even go on stage for a few seconds, I’m now not nearly as nervous and I’ve learnt to express my own style on the floor. Yes, my style needs to be tweaked somewhat, but it is teaching me perseverance, to believe in myself, to trust and to be vulnerable even. It’s building confidence in me. It hasn’t been easy as a bigger-sized person to go out there. Seeing other bigger-sized dancers win awards helps me in that regard.

So, what is the takeaway here? It’s that sometimes we need to continue working on something even when we don’t necessarily have a natural talent for it – if that thing makes us happy and fulfils a need in our lives. Patience and perseverance are the key. I tell myself that, but when it comes to awards time, it’s very hard to see it that way. I don’t have much patience. I want to get there right away. But I suppose the best way to develop patience is to be tested in that area. At least, this time, the Universe rewarded me with a little kindness to remind me that my dream does matter and there’s always a chance to grow.

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