With crime out of control and politicians on the endangered list, it has been revealed that bodyguards in Endumeni are now demanding bodyguards.
With plots being hatched in Forestdale (no, nothing to do with the lack of houses or the poor conditions of DJSS) to take out political opponents – thank goodness the agent was not using Duracell batteries in his recording device -. It has become clear that Endumeni is probably just a tad safer than Bogota.
The bodyguards, those leather jacketed types who never move without some kind of wire sticking out of the left ear, feel that they also need protection.
“I mean, if someone is going to kill a Councillor, it stands to reason that the bodyguard may be in the way. One of us may take the bullet first for the bugger and that’s not fair. I mean we never get any tender action,’’ said Bodyguard Union spokesman, Kevin Costner.

Do today’s political guards also have to taste the food first, before the Councillor, like what used to happen in medieval times?

‘’Of course. Fortunately, our guys are partial to spicy Nandos – I prefer lemon and herb myself – so we don’t mind. We prefer it straight out of the box. It gives the would-be assassin no chance to poison the chicken. Same goes for Spur. However, when we go to those elaborate parties in Durban at the ratepayers’ expense, where there are always fancy snacks, guards have to tuck in first. Once I had to have 17 samoosas just to make sure there was no poison to kill the Mayor and the Councillors.

‘’My poor colleague once had to have 27 giant prawns before putting up the no poison sign.”
What about drink? Do baddies sometimes slip in mickeys like they used to do in the old movies?
Says Kevin: “Of course, I remember once having six double Glenfidich whiskeys while waiting for a public meeting in Coronation Park. I was so canned that I fired some shots just for kicks. Ol’ Johann on McKenzie Street was phoning the police like mad – fortunately they never answered.”
Isn’t uncomfortable to spend days and days guarding the same person?
‘’Yes, it can be tedious. Sometimes you get an impromptu Mayor who may take to jumping into the Mayoral car on a Friday and driving to Lesotho without a passport. So that can be pretty exciting. Sometimes you end up driving on pretty rough roads to organize and hatch plots. So never a dull moment. Waiting for meetings to start on time and can be pretty boring though.”
Do you get time off?
‘’Hardly. Once I got canned and then the Mayor had to drive me home. But now we want overtime and bodyguards. We also want money for more ammo – that’s how bad things have gotten around here.”
What training do you guys do?
“We spend a couple of days walking around central Dundee at around midnight on Fridays, getting used to danger. You know, taking on the drag racers on foot, chatting to the ladies of the night at the Magistrate’s Court and dodging drunk revelers. You get to sharpen your senses. More specific training – the details of which I cannot specify for obvious reasons – is done mainly in MacPhail Park.”
How would you treat a bodyguard of your own?

“Nicely. Would feed him nice whisky and give him a chicken allowance. I won’t let him sit on the stairs of the Kremlin though – I would provide a camp chair and dark glasses. He would also have a bullet proof. You can never be too careful these days.’