Warning: This column may be considered offensive by some readers!
* I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note saying: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants”. So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone”.
* An old couple are ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ‘’Why are you going to sleep on the floor?’’ The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
* A lesbian walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We have new liquor in today!” The lesbian says, “That’s great! I’d love to meet her!”
* A mathematics teacher sent a message to his wife, reading: “Dear wife, You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this message, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. Your Husband.”
When he arrived at the hotel, he received a message that read as follows: “Dear husband, You too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old boy from next door. Being the Maths teacher you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
* A worried father confronted his daughter one night. “I don’t like that new boyfriend; he’s rough and bloody stupid.” “Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”
* The most popular guy at a nudist colony is the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
* There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
* Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.
* Research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual ‘equipment’. Maybe the warning on cigarette packs should reflect this new information…
Warning: These cigarettes are king size – how about you? Warning: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before? Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
