En Passant: We’ve got talent, but no taste

OH WOE, OH WOE, oh woe, South Africa. You have plumbed the depths of the Sea of Mediocrity. You have confirmed my worst suspicions. You have banged the last nail into the coffins of good taste, finesse, cleverness, craftsmanship, polish, skill, dedication, practice and discipline.

You have taken the word “talent” and spat in its face. A big fat greenie, hawked from the depths of South Africa’s collective oesophagus, is this Monday sliding down the disappointed face of “talent”. You have debased the word so that in a South African context “talent” means… nothing.

What has brought upon this spurt of venom?

Last night, Sunday, on e-TV the final of the South Africa’s Got Talent reality contest was broadcast. I didn’t watch every single programme that led us up to this point but I did see enough of the auditions, and the next round and the semi-finals to be familiar with some of the acts.

Do you not know the programme? (Where do you live, for Pete’s sake, Mongolia? Mind you, that’s no excuse because they also have Mongolia’s Got Talent in Mongolia!)

Anyway, it’s a talent contest, and you can enter regardless of your age and talent, or what you think of as your talent. You can juggle, sing, swallow swords, dance, play the guitar, exhibit your performing dog, parrot, cat, chicken, mother-in-law, ride a monocycle, pole dance, paint, contort or ventriloquise… whatever.

I saw some of the preliminary auditions, which are held in the bigger cities, and it is astounding how many people seriously believe they’ve got talent. I think it’s desperation in some cases,which is very sad. In some other cases people have been too kind, have not wanted to hurt the person’s feelings, and have said, “Wow, that’s wonderful, you’ve got a great voice!” when in actual fact the person sounds like a bandsaw.

I had a mate who was a victim of this kindness. He was a coal miner but word in his family was that he was an undiscovered musical genius. Never had a lesson in his life but nevertheless, a pure bloody genius. Plays by ear, you know, yep, hears a tune and he’s got it. Pure genius.

Spurred on by the praise, he invested in an electronic keyboard with which to conquer the music world. Move aside Liberace, here comes Jimmy with his coal encrusted finger nails.

He could only really be persuaded to “play something for us” when he was pissed (if you’ll excuse the terminology). Then out would come the keyboard upon which Jimmy’d balance his Klipdrift and Coke, and for the next hour, backed by the keyboard’s electric drum rhythm, we’d be subjected to the first two lines of “Blue Spanish Eyes” over and over and over and over again.

And he’d never had a lesson in his life!

His family would have encouraged him to enter South Africa’s Got Talent, and you should be thankful that you were spared that.

So anyway, after the auditions, the three judges select people to go through to the semi-finals, and from the semi-finals onwards it is the viewers who vote who should go through to the next phase.

Actually, that’s not strictly true – they vote the first two to go through, and then the judges vote for either one or the other of the acts in third and fourth place. I think it allows the judges to balance the acts so that there is a variety in the final.

So in the final on Sunday there was a dance crew of six blokes who were excellent (if you like that kind of thing); there was a 12-year old boy who played the piano and sang; a very modest and unassuming dude who sang and played the guitar; a young boytjie (a wit ou, nogal) who was a rapper; a 16-year old girl, a beautiful girl called Isabella Jane, who when she’s 28 will be heart-attack gorgeous, who had a ventriloquist act and a marvellous singing voice; and then a three-year-old child who was touted as a DJ, a Disc Jockey.

I suppose the act that worked hardest, physically, was the dance crew. They must have practised for hours and hours. And the dude with the guitar, a bloke called Will Rayz, I think chose the wrong song for the final. It should have been a more popular song to get the popular vote. The rapper and the 12-year old left me cold – yes it’s a talent they’ve got, but nothing really astounding.

And the three-year old child Disc Jockey – ag, man, that was just pathetic. That, I’ve no doubt, was like coal miner Jimmy as a child banging on a cheap, toy xylophone. Two judges actually cautioned the audience and viewers, saying, in effect, it’s South Africa’s Got Talent, not South Africa’s Got Cute.

My view was that the dancers, Will Rayz or the ventriloquist Isabella Jane deserved most to win in that they exhibited the most talent.

The final was decided by popular vote. People SMSed their vote and the most votes garnered was the winner.

And the winner was the bewildered, clueless, over-tired, exploited three year old. The winner of South Africa’s Got Talent could not even string together two words of thanks to the voters.

And if that’s the country’s popular view of talent…

We’re doomed.