“This breaking of promises to my children . . .” part one
My mother died when I was 12 years old, and I used to think that my life would have been different if she had lived. However, I now believe that my problem was already a part of me, even then. I was full of feelings of inferiority and extremely shy. My father did his best raising me and my two younger sisters, keeping the family together until I went to college.
He sent both my sisters away to boarding school as well. I can remember the overwhelming fear that gripped me as my father got ready to leave me at college. I just knew I was not going to be able to cope with getting to know all those people. I was a misfit from the beginning and felt like one.
So my years at college were years of hurt feelings, rejection, and anxiety. I did finally get married. My husband was a very handsome man, and I thought I would lose my fears and no longer be so anxious with people. Unfortunately, this was not the case unless I had a drink.
I had learned at college that a drink or two made communication possible. And three drinks made me forget that I wasn’t pretty! Eventually, we had children, and they meant everything in the world to me. Yet I would awake horror-stricken to realise that I had been driving the car around the countryside in a blackout, the children with me.
Then my husband became ill. Lonely and frightened, I needed to drink, even though the children and now my husband, too were dependent upon me. We moved to a small town to live with my in-laws. I hoped that a brand-new social circle would solve the problem. It didn’t. I can guarantee that one way not to endear yourself to your mother-in-law is to get drunk publicly in a small community.
Our next move was to an old farmhouse, hard to heat and hard to take care of. My husband was away frequently, and my drinking accelerated. One night, I went to a bar a few miles from our house, leaving my 11-year-old son in charge of his sisters. I took an elderly neighbour along. One of the men in the bar offered to drive my car home, but I argumentatively told him I could handle it. When I was close to home, I speeded up a bit and crashed into a support bar along the road.
Read part two of “This breaking of promises to my children . . .” to find out what happened next.
The AA Estcourt branch hosts meetings every Tuesday at Forderville Primary School from 7pm to 8pm. Contact Desigan on 082 849 3014.
