The day Endumeni staged their own Tender Olympics

With the Olympics in full flow in Rio and locals getting little sleep in a bid to catch all the late night/early morning action, it is about time Endumeni staged their own Olympics.
With the bruising election (and the current fall-out) still as fresh as the every morning smouldering tyre on the corner of Ann and Beaconsfield Streets, this will be known as the Tender Olympics.
Teams will be divided up each with their own captain and emblem to encourage patriotism.
Gold medals and bottles of Johnny Walker blue label will be handed out to those who can garner the most tenders (without being caught out – but that is a given around here) within the space of three weeks.
Other events include getting a family member to work for the IEC in the ward where you are a candidate. This takes great skill and tenacity and makes Lance Armstrong look like a guy who can only cycle up Union Street.
The fact that you actually win the ward and carry on, will earn you a special award from Sepp Blatter whom Endumeni considers one of their own because of his own unique skills when it comes to dribbling around tricky obstacles.
Then there is, of course, the take-food-into-the-polling-station-dressed-in-party-colours-and-feed-the-IEC-officials-even-when-this-is-totally-illegal event. Sometimes contestants go for the pentathlon: get a dodgie catering tender to feed the IEC officials, use a municipal car to transport said food, feed your relative who is an IEC official and stuff some extra ballot papers into the box while chowing your chicken curry. This makes Michael Phelps feel like a beginner.
There are other options: back stab your potential coalition partner into thinking you will climb into bed (figuratively) with him only to snuggle up to the guy you have been bad mouthing for the past five years. This is considered great form and will earn your team big points.
Another popular event in the Endumeni Olympics is the ‘stuff-you-ratepayers-we-will-do-what-we-want-even-though-you-pay-our-salary’ event. Popular down at Kallies Stadium, this event sees teams granting permission for all night piss-up birthday parties to continue to 6am. Remember: you have to totally disregard the 187 residents who signed the petition saying they are against the disruptive event.
Do not fright. Keep going.
The finish line is almost there. And as you hear Chariots of Fire remember: there is no water at the end. Umzinyathi is choking the line. Gulp down the whisky and look forward to the next five years.