You have to be food-smart when it comes to conferences
Pretend that you are a vegetarian and load your food with thick steaks – but do it quickly before your colleagues behind you see
So missiles are flying over Japan, we are boycotting Spur, Jacaranda FM… and here we are holding thumbs that no one is going to cause any k#k in the bottle store… anyway, nothing like a bit of black and white whiskey with a dash of ice…
Within this madness, there is a definite need for some feel good stories. Like the one where Fernando and Miriam de Oliveria were given a house makeover courtesy of Build-It. Or the one where the traffic cop helped the crippled guy to cross the road. And the story that shoppers were pleased that their most irritating car guard was no longer lurking on King Edward Street. Those are all feel good stories. Or the student who did not bat an eyelid when the University conveniently put R14-million into her account and she spends over R800 000. Really felt good, she did.
The fact that Spar is getting a makeover is also good. Maybe it will keep locals supporting Dundee like they should be. But other feel good stories involve the conference-food lurchers. Now, these guys are special. They may not move quickly – municipal and departmental types – but, boy, their timing is good. You see, when you attend a conference that you are not really interested in, the next best thing to do is to make sure you feed yourself. Get there early. Sign the register. Mingle easily, chat to the right people. Gorge on the early morning doughnuts, croissants, teas and coffees.
Yes, have tea and coffee – it is amazing what you can do with other people’s money.
Sit for the first session – I mean sit for 15 minutes – have an imaginary phone call and leave quickly with a pained expression on your face and use violent hand signs to express your displeasure of having to leave the conference. Come back ten minutes before lunch. Make some fake notes from the guy next to you who has probably been on his cell phone and would not know if the conference is about packing fish in Iceland or the intricacies of trigonometry on Mars.
As soon as the facilitator (I love that word) says lunch, rush to the dining room. Queue quickly and bark out instructions to the waiters. It makes you feel important. Pretend that you are a vegetarian and load your food with thick steaks – but do it quickly before your colleagues behind you see. Eat in a secluded spot so you can quickly head back for seconds. Then disappear. Come back at three and demand that the kitchen staff pack you a supper too – just because you can. If you can, take home food packs for the family. Don’t forget to feed your face with biscuits at three and put six sugars in your tea.
If it is a two-day conference, please repeat sequence as above for day two. Just one change. Pretend you do not eat beef this time. Mess the kitchen staff around and force them to give you chickpea curry. And while no one is looking, grab a lamb chop from your neighbour’s plate.
Remember to return to collect your certificate to show people that you have been fed well and can confer even better.
