… And everyone will get their own bodyguard…

In a bid to cut unemployment and boost the economy, the new Finance Minister (we have more than Chelsea have had managers), Mr I Lika Lotta-A-Cash, has announced that everyone over 21 will now be assigned a bodyguard.

In making the announcement – that is likely to stimulate the security, firearm and uniform clothing industry – Minister Lotta-A-Cash said that it is no secret, that with over 50 murders a day, South Africa is more dangerous for its citizens than it is for Mexicans crossing the Rio Grande.
“We have to be honest and up front.

“We cannot hide and say this problem will go away. It won’t. Typically in South Africa, we use problems to make things better. Dagga was a problem – then we legalised it at home so you can take a trip without leaving your home. We all know how pricey fuel is.
“Now we are doing the same thing with crime.
“There is a problem but we are going to employ millions of bodyguards to protect our citizens.
“All these guards will need uniforms, boots and guns so these sectors will also blossom.”

Asked how the guards will be paid and their equipment funded, Minister Lotta-A-Cash smirked, saying that the Guptas had left a hefty ‘just-in-case-donation’ behind and these would fund the project.
But what about baddies? I mean, will local gangsters also get bodyguards or will there be some kind of screening process?
“Listen, we take our script from Oprah. Everyone gets a guard. Even wit ous. We are faithful to our Constitution which says everyone is equal, you know.”

So how would it work? Would the guard go to work with the person to whom he is assigned to? And who would guard the guards?
“Politicians, municipal officials and even businessmen in Dundee I see are rather well covered when it comes to protection. I kinda like those red berets too.
“Rather fetching, don’t you think?
“Anyway, the guards will, yes, accompany their ‘allocated persons’ to work, the shops, the sports ground whatever. Guards will look after each other too. So, for instance, say there is a game at the Oval – instead of the usual 48 watching the cricket there will now be 96.

“This is a good thing. Remember, there will also be four batsmen and 22 fielders but the guards are not allowed to bat or field. Remember, each guard must also keep an eye on the other guard so these guys will have to be highly trained.”
What about test rugby? I mean, the Boks will have 30 players on the field and the All Blacks only 15 – even if the guards are not allowed to actually participate in the game?

“Ah! The All Blacks will also have guards and so will the ref. The minute a tourist lands at OR Tambo or at any other airport a guard will be assigned. We will be the safest country in the world to visit. Going to Rorke’s Drift will be an absolute pleasure. Those rock throwers won’t stand a chance.”

OK. So at work, the guards will sit around waiting for some Ninja to come and kill his boss? “Yes, you know a bit like Kevin Costner but definitely no fraternizing allowed. Even if the person he is guarding starts singing ‘I will always love you’. This is strictly puritanical.”

So – it appears as that with mining in South Africa at an all-time low, our sporting success a tad shaky, bodyguarding will be our new super saviour.