Bah Humbug! Why I don’t like Christmas

BUT she has decided to suffice with a amusing summary of Chapter One of my book, ‘Christmas- the Biggest Hoax of all Times’, which is by no means exhaustive.

So here goes:

1. I am extremely sad for the poor Christmas turkey or the little piggy, nicely fattened by the farmer throughout the whole year so we can all stuff ourselves on Christmas Day. Yes, I know turkeys and other animals are slaughtered every day, but they are not called ‘Poor little Tiny Turkey’ or ‘Mr Piggy Porker’ in a miserable fable by the Grimm Brothers (go figure)

2. I am against Christmas movies. They are either sad (someone or the brave dog predictably dies in the end) or it is a poor remix of every Christmas tale since 1973 – nauseatingly cheesy and an insult to even mediocre intelligence.

3. I do not like men with: a) long beards; b) lots of facial hair; c) excessively large bellies); and d) ugly masks and disguises.

4. Anybody who laughs ‘Ho-Ho-Ho!’ does so, to conceal that they don’t have front teeth.

5. I am against any intruder who jumps down a chimney. That is in fact something the wolf would do, with no honest intentions pertaining to the occupants of the house.

6. Santa is almost always: a) drunk; b) unwilling; c) paid; d) suffering heat exhaustion if it is a Zululand Christmas function; e) under duress from an employer, a spouse or a neighbour.

7. I discourage (actually forbid) children from sitting on strangers’ laps or taking gifts or sweets from anyone, including the President of the United States. Santa? The guy with a mask and dragging a body bag? I don’t think so!

8. I feel guilty and sad because some celebrity children go skiing in the Alps and are bestowed with enough gifts to break a Swiss bank, while the majority of Zululand children get a toy Made in China, which does not last until the Christmas party is over. This is grossly unfair, given that children have a certain Christmas expectation, which certainly does not include their gift breaking in 30 seconds flat.

9. I despise ‘Scrooge’ or the ‘spirit of Christmas’ or whatever ghoulish apparitions associated with Christmas and presented as a children’s tale. It is in actual fact a horror story which should carry an age restriction of 16.

10. I despise shopping malls. I despise shopping malls. Shopping malls are horrid. Shopping malls are free tickets to the asylum. I despise shopping. And malls. And shopping malls.

11. Everybody gains between 5 and 7kg over Christmas. Ask yourself: is it worth it to look like Roley Poley in 2016?

12. I hate cleaning up Christmas wrappers. It was expensive to buy the paper and now it is shredded on the carpet. Worth it? I think not.

13. The Scrooge is normally followed by ‘Dinner for One’ – this is even more painful than Scrooge.