Conspiracy theories: Has the world gone mad?

The world has gone crazy. Unless it has always been. There is just no place where conspiracy theories go to die, because the internet has given them eternal life. Online scrolling has also caused them to spread like wildfire, reeling in converts to absolute ridiculousness along the way.

Of course, it could be these very folk who count among the select few that know the real truth. Perhaps Justin Bieber really is a lizard and aliens walk among us, exercising mind control techniques to keep the human population in check. And of course, both Santa and the Easter Bunny are real, but Finland never was.

What are they smoking?

The world is full of strange ideas, but sometimes you must wonder what they are smoking.

You can see this mockumentary on Amazon Prime. It’s called Mermaids, The Body Found, and first aired on pay TV about a decade ago. The narrative goes that scientists purportedly found evidence of half-human, half-fish. It sent the internet into a frenzy.

The situation spiralled so far out of control that the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in the United States stepped in and issued an official statement confirming that “no evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found”. But then again, that’s exactly what they’d say if they were covering it up. Like with UFOs, conspirators said.

And then there’s the Denver International Airport, which might just be the centre of all things sinister and evil.

Some corners of the internet believe it’s the headquarters of the Illuminati, the secret organisation that controls the world. The symbol is on the cornerstone. Others think it’s a literal gateway to hell because there is a glowing, red-eyed demon horse named… wait for it… Blucifer – that killed its sculptor, it’s said.

Then there are bizarre apocalyptic murals, and a plaque commemorating the New World Airport Commission, which is an organisation that doesn’t exist, punters say. The airport, of course, has denied all these wild ideas. But then again, isn’t that exactly what the Illuminati would say?

Is Beyoncé married to a great-grand-oupa?

Beyoncé may also be married to a great grand-oupa with some sharp teeth. Conspirators say that Jay-Z is a time-travelling vampire. A 1939 photo of a man photographed in the New York borough Harlem bearing an uncanny resemblance to the rapper surfaced a few years ago, launching an entire subgenre of internet sleuthing dedicated to proving Hollywood’s elite are immortal bloodsuckers.

Limos, paparazzi and the soft life? Unlikely. Instead, ancient, undead people still fill Lala Land, dressed in youth skins. The evidence is there, it’s all there. 

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Reddit is a wonderful place to learn, chat and sniff out the bizarre. A recent post claimed that China has been breeding an all-female army in underground bunkers since introducing its one-child policy.

According to the post, these women, uncorrupted by blue-light-emitting electronics, are biding their time, waiting to unleash themselves and take over the United States.

Apparently, prolonged exposure to screens has made the rest of us too sleep-deprived and mentally unstable to resist their inevitable takeover. And if that wasn’t enough, once they conquer the United States, they’ll repopulate the country with their superior, non-blue lighted genes.

All female secret army

Also, on Reddit there’s a mother who genuinely believes that the concept of primary and secondary colours taught to her child at preschool is nothing more than a propaganda ploy created by the “big colour industry”.

Yes, Crayola and other evil crayon overlords, apparently, have been controlling our understanding of colour to serve their own nefarious agenda. What this motive may be, she didn’t say.

Then there was the woman who explained, with absolute conviction it seemed, that Ukraine is supplying the United States with kidnapped babies to produce yogurt. Only three letters will do here. It’s a W, then a T, then a F.

She also said that Russian president Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the country was merely a heroic attempt to put an end to this great dairy-based atrocity. She probably had one too many, because she told what is easily the most absurd tall tale in a very, very long time.

Lizardry…

Finland, often rated as the country with the happiest citizens in the world, does not, in fact, exist. Japan and the Soviet Union invented it during the Cold War as part of an elaborate scheme to secure exclusive fishing rights in the Baltic Sea.

They claim that Swedes, Estonians, and Russians now make up the country’s smiley population and were duped into believing they live in a non-existent nation.

His music may be as bland and cocky as his various hairstyles, but perhaps that is just a cover up for Justin Bieber’s true identity.

Conspiracy pundits revealed that the singer is part of an elite reptilian overlord class. They just don and zip up a human skin. Apparently, during a concert, Bieber shapeshifted into his true scaly form, much to the horror of fans.

And they say that Bieber is not the only famous lizard in California…

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