Lifestyle / Health

Hein Kaiser
Journalist
3 minute read
24 Nov 2021
2:56 pm

How to get your partner ‘off’ on a plane

Hein Kaiser

Whether it's sexy time on the beach, the Mile-High Club or at the drive-in, fulfilling fantasies may not be as easy as it looks, but these tips can help.

Picture: iStock

It’s cramped and it’s sometimes quite smelly and chances are someone’s going to catch you. While the latter is part of the thrill, joining the Mile-High Club and getting it on in an airliner’s toilet is far from romantic, or sexy.

The idea, along with many other impractical fantasies, is fantastic, but it’s perhaps as sexy as wearing a potato-suit in role play. But at least there are some alternatives, too, for having some naughty fun in unexpected places.

A smile-high experience

Joining the Mile-High Club in the traditional sense of the idea may not be a star-rated sexy experience but, a great alternative on long-haul flights is dished out for free on board a flight.

The wafer-thin blanket along with the excuse of a pillow most of us receive in cattle class may just be enough to hide some funk when the lights are dimmed.

Why bother rushing off to the loo where most of the other passengers have ensured that a million litres of sanitiser may not be enough for your peace of mind. Stick to your seat, use the blankie to cover up and get some hand-action going on.

If you’ve planned, reach for tiny toys that can make the Mile-High club at the very least, a smile-high experience.

Sex on the beach

Late at night, when the crabs come out to play, the beach is deserted. And it’s very tempting to settle into the sand with your beau or belle and make some sexy waves of your own. But it can be uncomfortable, especially in the heat of the moment when nobody thought of packing a towel, at the very least, or something to keep sticky beach sand at bay.

Getting in on some seaside action can be a whole lot of fun, under starlit skies, waves lapping. You get the picture. But many wannabe romantics never bargained on the sandpaper-power of sand to ruin a climatic evening.

No matter the effort, grains of beach sand go everywhere, and this is not the kind of corrosion that the best lubricant can prevent. Go prepared.

ALSO READ: Five reasons to go commando

Ben-wah anyone?

Like joining the Mile-High Club in its potential yuck is the restaurant or club bathroom cubicle tryst. While dinner may get hot under the collar with sexy cocktails adding a soupcon of aphrodisiac, heading off to a communal commode can deflate even the sexiest intent.

Do you really want him to read the back-end of the cubicle door’s graffiti while going down on his lust, or have her wonder about the last time the area was sanitised as she flexes for a turbulent landing in a confined space? Choose your eatery wisely, rather. Make sure it has long draped tablecloths and sit closely together.

Pack some ben-wa balls before dinner to make each course exciting and see how far you can go in public, without getting caught.

Cramped spaces

At least thanks to the pandemic, drive-in theatres are making a slight comeback. But cars are getting smaller and nookie on the back seat has become an exercise in contortionism as fuel economy gets in the way of some sexy loving.

At least make sure your suspension is pretty good before you rock your boat, because limited space means more movement, and the Kama Sutra has yet to see the invention of a position that makes the back seat comfy. Same goes for upfront, where the handbrake or the gear stick must be avoided in case of mistaken identity.

A great session of mutual masturbation or some oral will give you the same adventure, just a bit easier. And it won’t leave you wanton for more as space, olfactory influences and wandering thoughts will be limited to the right place in the space-time continuum. To have some real fun, get it on in comfort.