Our natural instinct is to try and stop the behaviour immediately. However, the most powerful tool we have in these moments isn’t a clever discipline technique, it is our own nervous system.

The power of co-regulation

Building a child’s ability to self-regulate is a journey that starts with co-regulation. Think of it as a set of stairs: a child cannot reach the top step of independent self-regulation without first being supported by a regulated adult.

The regulated nervous system in the room sets the tone. Because children’s nervous systems are still developing, they borrow ours to find their balance. If we are dysregulated, it is nearly impossible for our child to find calm, as their system will naturally mirror our own.

Flipping your lid

To be effective co-regulators, we must understand what happens in the brain during a ‘blow-up’. When we or our children become overwhelmed, we often ‘flip our lid’, a term described by Dan Siegel.

• The thinking brain (Prefrontal Cortex): Handles logic, reason and impulse control.
• The emotional brain (Brainstem, Limbic System, Amygdala): Big feelings, fear, anger, overwhelm.

When the ‘alarm’ is activated (Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn), the thinking brain goes offline. In this state, an individual cannot reason. Trying to use logic with someone who has flipped their lid is like trying to talk to someone behind a soundproof wall.

Know your window of availability

• Inside the window: You feel safe, you belong and you can learn.
• Hyperarousal (above the window): You feel unsafe or threatened, leading to rage, anger, or panic.
• Hypoarousal (below the window): You feel trapped or overwhelmed, leading to shut down or numbness.

As parents, our goal is to recognise when we are drifting toward the edges of our window before we flip our lids.

Practical strategies to regulate yourself

Supporting your nervous system isn’t about giving in, it’s about building your capacity. Here are practical ways to bring yourself back into your window, making use of your different sensory systems:

1. Movement and proprioception

• Down-regulate: If you feel ‘high’ or agitated, try lowering your shoulders, unclenching your jaw, or taking a slow walk, and putting your head into an inverted position.
• Up-regulate: If you feel ‘low’ or shut down, have a consistent exercise routine, shake your head or spin, go for a run or jump on a trampoline to wake up your system.

2. Tactile

• Down-regulate: Grounding by taking off your shoes and feeling the earth beneath your feet; deep pressure activities, like a firm bear hug or using a weighted blanket.
• Up-regulate: Washing your face with cold water; handle fidget items.

3. Auditory

• Down-regulate: Use headphones to block out overstimulating noise, or hum to yourself. When speaking to your child, use fewer words and a slow cadence with neutral phrasing (e.g., “I see you. We’re okay.”). Move yourself to a quiet environment.
• Up-regulate: Listen to music or sounds with varied pitch, beat, volume.

4. Visual

• Down-regulate: Reduce visual clutter in your space or step outside to look at nature; close your eyes; dim lighting; allow for blank spaces.
• Up-regulate: Brighten lighting and colours in your environment; have an exciting wallpaper on your computer/phone; put yourself in busy environments.

5. Olfactory and gustatory

• Down-regulate: Breathwork;sipping warm liquids; blowing bubbles; chewing mild flavours.
• Up-regulate: Sipping cold liquids; eat sour, chewy, salty and/or crunchy foods.

Have a self-regulation plan

Regulation is a practice, not a personality trait.

1. Know your triggers: Identify what specifically pushes you out of your calm zone.
2. Know your own body and warning signs: Notice when your heart starts racing, your temperature rises or your voice gets sharper.
3. Know what to do: Have a go-to list of sensory strategies (like the ones above) that work for you. Anticipate situations that you know you’ll be triggered, and prepare accordingly.

By prioritising your own regulation, you aren’t being selfish; you are providing the essential foundation your child needs to grow into a resilient, self-regulated adult. Having things that we can do in the moment, helps us be the parent we woke up this morning wanting to be, for our children. Remember: you cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot calm a storm if you are the storm. Content by www.bellavista.org.za

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