I recently read that before giving advice, one should always ask a particular question
I have some advice. However, I recently read that before giving advice, one should always ask a particular question, and, surprisingly, it’s not “Have you got a paper and pen ready for these pearls of wisdom I’m about to drop?”
Instead, we should ask: “Do you want my advice?” I tried it recently on my son, the immunologist visiting from Paris, where he’s doing a PhD.
Advice
He was telling me some long, science-based, academia-heavy story, and I was nodding along like I understood – I didn’t – but I do feel that I understand human relations quite well, so I opened my mouth to give him my recommendations.
It’s what we mummies do, even when our babies are in their twenties and living and working and paying their own rent in a foreign city.
Mother knows best. And then I remembered. “Do you want my advice?” I said instead.
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No advice needed
“No!” he responded unequivocally. And the funny thing is I wasn’t hurt at all. I even felt a lazy wave of relief.
This was his problem, not mine, and he just wanted to offload. I was merely required to look sympathetic/appalled/agog as appropriate, make the right noises in the right places and not fall asleep at the technical bits.
Mother listens best. Next, I tried it on my older son – the 30-something with a wife, a child and a house – when he was sounding off about adulting.
Frustrating conversations
Do you want my advice? “Yes, please,” was his surprising reply. And I gave it, and he listened quietly, nodding, before saying thank you.
This is so easy. Why am I only discovering it when both my children have left home? Yet, I suspect I knew it deep down all along.
It’s there in the frustrating conversations I’ve had since forever, where I’ve just wanted to let off steam, yet people start making suggestions like I’ve never thought of these things, and it turns into a fresh argument.
Or they try to fix things directly, aka interfering. I’m guilty of it myself.
The thing is we all need to vent; we all need to talk things through so we can unknot them and, oftentimes, we just want a willing pair of ears because we are asking to be heard, not advised. So don’t give advice without asking.
And that’s my advice.
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