Search for the promised land

One year I even signed up to Duolingo to learn how to speak Australian but gave up after two weeks. My laryngeal sphincter was too tight. Vienna was top of the list last year. That didn’t seem right because a lot of people wouldn’t be able to find Vienna on a map. I can’t even find Viennas in Woolworths.

I had no interest in learning the language since I had no idea what it was. My interest in moving there waned when I discovered that the city was in Austria. I remember hoping it was a typo and that Vienna was, in fact, in Australia. I don’t know anyone who has ever been to Austria. If a friend said he was thinking of moving to Vienna, I’d suspect he was having some kind of ischemic attack and call the paramedics.

Hitler was born in Austria, which is a good enough reason to never go there. Here’s a fun fact. The building Hitler was born in has been turned into a police station. Interior Minister Wolfgang Peschorn said last year this would be an “unmistakable signal” that the property did not commemorate Nazism. Yes, there’s nothing like a grim building bristling with armed men in black uniforms barking orders at civilians to help people forget the Nazis.

I was hoping Vienna had been bumped from pole position so I called up the 2020 Global Liveability Index, only to discover that the entire elitist shebang had been postponed. They blame the pandemic for their researchers not being able to collect data. How am I meant to know what language to learn now? What things to pretend to pack? It’s very selfish of them.

Last year, out of 140 cities, Joburg stormed in at 86th with Pretoria hot on its heels in 92nd position. We shouldn’t feel too bad. New York only ranked 58th. In fact, Donald Trump’s entire shithole country fared badly. Now I only have the 2019 list to go on.

Want to know who was top of the list of the most liveable cities for seven straight years until Vienna came along? Bloody Melbourne, mate. Last year Sydney took bronze with Adelaide closing down the top 10. Calgary, Vancouver and Toronto got places, as did Osaka, Tokyo and Copenhagen.

Forgetting for a moment that Schrödinger’s borders are the order of the day (neither open nor shut), where do I pretend to plan to go this year? Austria’s out because of Adolf. Europe, Asia and Canada are not options. Too many people, too alien, too cold.

That leaves Australia. I have family in Perth, so I can’t go there. That’s my father’s mob. My great-granny on my mother’s side was a true blue Aussie and is almost certainly the reason I am genetically predisposed to petty crime. A lot of South Africans emigrate to Australia every month. You have to be very bright or very mad to deal with the visa application process. It appears to have been designed by a statistician from an institute for the criminally insane.

If you go over on a 189 visa but don’t have your OTSR because your job is on the CSOL list and you’re still on a 186 but haven’t submitted your EOI for a 489, you’ll need a 457 sponsor and the DIPB will want the IELTS. Australia is infested with migration specialists helping South Africans to reach the promised land. Well, they call themselves migration specialists. They’re really just human traffickers in polyester suits and pencil skirts.

This week I came across something called New World Immigration. They have offices in SA, Canada, the UK, America and, er, Nigeria. Part of that address is “Lekki Phase 1, Lagos”. In the About Us section, they say, “We don’t take on clients we can’t help”. I liked them right away.

The problem with the world today is that too much time is wasted on people who are beyond help. They also say “Our open door policy means that our clients have access to more than our office”. The possibilities are endless. Can we come and live with them? Share their wives? Sounds like something I might be interested in.

Offering four tips for South Africans emigrating to Australia, they start off by saying that all their clients ask the same question: “What does Australians think of South Africans Expats?” I imagine the better-educated Aussie might say, “Your grammar’s a bit poked, mate.” In turn the expat will say: “You talking kak about my grandma? I’ll f**k you up, china.”

Quite frankly, I find this hard to believe. Any proper South African making enquiries about emigrating to Oz is not going to give a damn what the locals think. If they don’t like us, they can leave. Nevertheless, New World Immigration insists on giving us what they quaintly call peace of mind.

“Australians think South Africans are motivated, hardworking, devoted, enthusiastic and adaptable but also irritated [impatient] and belligerent.”

I don’t know, man. That makes us sound like police dogs. They reassure us that we need not worry about changing our personality (ha ha good luck with that) because their four tips will “guide you to avoid dispute and help you fit in just perfectly with the Aussies”.

1. We are advised to conform to their norms if we want to fit in. “Being laid back and working long hours is a certain way of life in Australia.” Where I come from, that’s a fat oxymoron. Out here, anyone who works long hours has nothing but murder in his heart.

“Aussies,” they say, “would enjoy working with you if you take this approach as they feel that they spend too much time at the work place.” What? So I should encourage my colleagues to get high or go to the pub instead of working? Got that covered. Next?

2. Aussies “totally hate being bossed around even if you hold a more senior authority position within the company”. Bossing white people around would be a novel experience for most South African expats. Situations will be resolved amicably. Or end in bloodshed. We’re comfortable either way. The locals will have to adapt.

3. Australians, we are told, are known to be a close knit community who do not readily allow others to join them. We’ll see about that. My 9mm has been known to change minds. Just to be clear, I’m talking about my handgun, not my willy. “It’s best to try making friends with fellow South African expats in Australia.” What a brilliant idea. It’ll be like we never emigrated. I hope my new neighbours are welders from Krugersdorp. We’ll get along like a house on fire. Well, at some point someone’s house will be on fire.

4. “Aussies enjoy a good debate and often finds joy when a person becomes defensive in protecting what they believe in.” Trolls, in short. Instead of dealing with them in the traditional South African way, we are advised to “relax and enjoy the debate and say your say, but don’t let their comments get the better of you”. Not going to happen. If you think Australia might be for you, do contact one of New World Immigration’s friendly consultants for a free assessment. Me? Nah, mate. I’m going to engage Lekki Phase 1, open a fresh bottle of gin and have a little liedown.

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