Snap the alien and behave like a human

Sometimes I think it is impossible for 60 million people to share a single country.

I have been living with the lovely Snapdragon in one house for almost a decade and I still don’t understand her.

I sent her a WhatsApp message this week: “I think you’re an alien.”

She asked me about it.

“It’s simple,” I said. “When creatures from other planets send spies to earth to study earthlings, they obviously mould them into human-like form. “

You have particularly big feet clearly an indication that you are an imperfect copy. And then there are all the questions you ask.

Obviously to gain data. ‘How was your day?’ Or ‘what are we going to give the kids to eat?’

“But there is one thing that has given you secret away, I have never seen you mow the lawn. Coincidence? I don’t think so.”

“What?” she asked.

“Crop circles,” I replied. “You don’t want me to notice you mow crop circles.”

“I’m not an alien,” she said.

Which is exactly what you would expect an undercover interplanetary spy to say.

“Mom’s not an alien, you know,” Egg said when I tucked her in later.

“She watches TV even if it’s only to see the president speak.

If someone is an alien, it must be the president.”

“Why?” I asked.

“His iPad,” she said.

“I think he dropped it in the toilet. You must be an alien if you don’t know that will damage a device.”

Five year olds don’t have much real world experience, but Egg knows what happens if you drop a phone in the toilet.

“Then we should get rid of him,” I suggested.

“Do you think I should become the president?”

“No,” she said.

“If you’re the president, I won’t have a daddy any more.”

She’s right. Sometimes we have to abandon our far-fetched dreams and ambitions and concentrate on being human.

Sometimes we just have to watch TV or be a dad or a husband. This morning when I left for work, Snapdragon kissed me. Her smile made her look deceptively human.

Tomorrow evening I’ll take her out for dinner and romance all the alien out of her.

I might not become president, but I’ll be the most human person on earth.