Snoring keeps lovers apart

Most folk suffer from vibrating tissues within the airways of the nose and throat. And it can have dire repercussions in the home.

Snoring. It has caused many sleeping partners to bed down in separate rooms. This presupposes one partner (usually the lady) doesn’t snore, claiming the noises of her man are unbearable.

A friend’s wife goes to bed wearing ear plugs, so, he’s left a victim of her snoring. The irony, hey?

Why do women – the ones I know, including my Heidi – claim they don’t have the problem of turbulent airflow, nor do they have narrowed airways? “Men are born that way,” they insist.

I’ve heard first-hand many snoring ladies. Okay, a different pitch to that of a male, but snoring nevertheless. I recall while still going steady with my chick, I experienced many a duel snoring session. Executed (sic) by her mom and dad.

At first I thought they were conversing unusually loudly, but it became apparent they were holding their own “conversation”.

His was a deep, drawnout intake and outflow, whereas hers a high-pitched one with an added steam train whistle. But, to her dying day, she never admitted to it.

Even after I made a recording of their nightly chat, she believed the tape was doctored. One weekend Heidi and the kids visited farming relatives in the sticks. The host couple’s snoring had the frightened youngsters creeping into bed with their mom because “Oom and Tante are having a big fight, and are killing each other”.

The argument continues. It’s now just the two of us. Okay, with adopted Spiky and Peanuts. She tells everyone my snoring’s worse than ever. And I’ve learnt not to accuse her of the same retrogression – a futile exercise. But, between you and me, her snoring has taken on new proportions. It’s now melodious. It sounds like strings playing the Waltz of the Flowers by Tchaikovsky.

And Peanuts, every so often, joins in the chorus of O sole Mio. Wouldn’t be surprised if the next session brings on How Much is that Dog in the Window.

Heidi says mine are just annoying, tuneless snores. Even if I did a guttural Royal Hotel, she would remain mum. Anyhow, it probably won’t even make The Voice. Zzzzz.

Cliff Buchler.