Parting Shot: Driving on our roads is no walk in the park

Now that Covid-19 is slowly fading into the murky past and we start saying things like ‘remember when we had to wear masks’, ‘remember when we were not allowed to buy smokes’, a strange species called tourists are starting to reappear.

Sure, these creatures are like shy deer right now – disappearing at the merest sound of a gun being cocked. But there are, nevertheless, been sighted. There have been several sightings on the battlefields and even accommodation establishments have reported a sort of uptick.

So, it was with this in mind that locally tourist-minded folk decided to come together to bring out a pamphlet to put the minds of visitors at ease and to introduce them to Dundee as it were.

The pamphlet is a little wordy but one chapter that is worth looking at is the one about road safety.

Here are a few extracts:

Welcome to our fair town – remember we drive on the left-hand side of the road and what is left of the road.

You will notice that many of our traffic lights are out. Please stop regardless when you get to one of these lights that are not working.  At the lights that are working, you will notice that little lights flash indicating either a green or red man.

You must forgive our pedestrians. For reasons unknown, many are colour blind and will follow the flashing signs on a vice versa basis. Just be patient – it is not a good idea to run anyone over.

While out and about on our roads you will see another phenomenon that may be strange to you. But don’t take fright. All our local vehicles are fitted with really strong warning signs – you know that button you can press to activate all four indicator lights to flash.

Any vehicle at any time can activate these lights – either stationary or moving – it is immaterial. Sometimes passengers will suddenly disgorge from these vehicles (remember the vehicle in question does not necessarily have to be stationery to do this). Sometimes the road will be really busy and the guy in front of you will put on his warning lights.

Now, what this actually indicates is still subject to a commission of inquiry but for the sake of our tourists’ safety please note that the following can happen:

The driver will suddenly stop in the middle of the road,

He may pull over but don’t back on it,

His passengers may jump out,

A passenger may jump in,

He just stops because he can.

Our visitors should also be aware of goats which are our national animal around here have the right of way. Fortunately, a goat is more street savvy than most people and these animals are rarely run over and are agile enough to avoid the most errant driver.

Watch out for moving human busses of school children. Schools all finish at the same time which means that uniformed kids all move out en masse. Like our Comrades marathon, these
posses of children form what we call busses – for support and protection – and move not on the pavements but on the roads. They do not necessarily keep left or right. Please do not hoot at any strays.

This will not help. Most will have earphones in their ears and will be oblivious to your protestations. Just park, pause and relax. You will get there. Welcome and drive safely.