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Understanding women is not a mystery anymore for men. When we are wrong, we apologise and when she is wrong, we apologise

Warning: Some readers may find the content of this column to be offensive!
* Sielkundige vra vir Mike: “Kyk jy vir jou vrou se gesig tydens seks?’’ Mike: “Ek het eenkeer en sy’t redelik die moer in gelyk!’’ Sielkundige: “Hoe dan so?” Mike: ‘’Sy’t by die venster ingeloer!’’
* My vrou is like a cop. She has all the evidence in the world, but she’ll still insist on a confession!
* During a recent visit to the hospital, I noted the following ways to recognise a medico professional: 1) Lady with apron pockets full of garbage, restless, irritable, waddling gait, shouting on phone – a GYNAECOLOGIST; 2) Stethoscope in neck, hump at back, or sometimes belly popping out of shirt, silent, tired walk with masked facial appearance, no response to stimuli to smile – a DOCTOR; 3) Snoozing on chair, but loud voice, few abuses, dominating personality like DON of the hospital, everybody talks to him politely, including matron or medical superintendent – a SURGEON; 4) Attitude, tired body, always frustrated, zero response to stimuli – a PAEDIATRICIAN; 5) Mostly female, gossiping, always munching something, shouting at someone – an ANAESTHETIST; 6) Calm, neatly dressed, rarely seen by patients, blurring of vision – a RADIOLOGIST; 7) In dirty white coat, confused, always in a hurry, everybody shouting at him / her, including sister / mama – an INTERN; 8) Cool, calm, polite, smart, soft-spoken, always with a smile on the face, sweet by nature – the types of doctors only seen in toothpaste ads; 9) Arrogant, limited brain power, little or no common sense, act like soldiers who are battle-scarred – SECURITY GUARDS.
* Understanding women is not a mystery anymore for men. When we are wrong, we apologise and when she is wrong, we apologise.
* A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blankets, she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. “Hi, darling,” he says, “Your parents came to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. I hope you said hello to them.”
* A popular airline recently introduced a special half-rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”
* During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward. She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, “Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Hi, I’m Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is ‘sternum’.”

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