Banning words is the tender choice

In the Land of the Free (no, not Wasbank – The USA) they are banning words. The Education Department there has issued 50 offensive words so as not to upset ANYONE – except possibly the Statue of Liberty.
The words include ‘Dinosaur’ and ‘evolution’ as they might offend Creationists, ‘Halloween’ that suggests paganism and the word ‘birthday’ which may upset Jehovah’s Witnesses.
But there are also other words – the banning of which is mystifying: words like crime, television, running away, rap music (well, that should just be banned fullstop), slavery, religion and so on and so forth.
So, now The Bowman can reveal that the Republic of Endumeni is to also consider banning several words. These words will not be allowed to appear in SMS messages, in newspapers, facebook etc.
The words outlawed here include: pension, FET College, Watt Road, sewage in the river, leaking pipes, Sentraal’s results, golf club results, break-ins at the banks near the police station, theft at the police station, Mayoral bodyguards at Umzinyathi and parking tickets.
Protestors may argue that this would make life and conversations pretty boring around here. Already the old saying of no talk of religion, politics in pubs and clubs had had many grumbling for years.
Wankie, we hear, also wants the price of sheep also banned as he finds it traumatic.
Louis from Tri Star wants news of all petrol price increases banned. It causes havoc with stock, shortages and unease.
JZ wants Juju banned.
So what else can we ban while are at it? PW must be finger-wagging somewhere murmuring ‘I told you I was right – you have to ban to govern.’
COSATU, the girl on the corner (‘hey times are tough and the more petrol goes up, the less motorists drive around and pick us up’, said one girl sporting a platinum blonde wig and high heels) and a large man in khaki pants who buys pies from Johann and, oh, yes – just about everyone else – want petrol banned finish and klaar.
Surely we can get the cars to run on hot air? I mean there is enough of it around here. There is another word that is also going to be prohibited- potholes. Apparently this word is causing mayhem on Tandy Street and even the golf clubbers are now driving through Pro Nobis just to get to the 19th hole or onethe first tee before the starter, Kevin, starts phoning them.
Another word on the cards to hit the bin is the word that senders a horrible shiver down everyone’s wallets: Tender. And we are not talking about the meat braaied by Pieter and Jakes Juggan,
No, this all about the guy with half an office and a battered fax machine, who drives a Volvo getting a R80 million tender to build something or other for some something or other Department.
This is scary. Would you trust your plumber or your hairdresser to overhaul your R1 million rig? Of course not. So why does the Government give a hairdresser or anyone else who can’t cook jobs worth hundreds of Rands to feed the hungry Government officials?
Oh, of course, I have just clicked why they do that…. They are spending our money and not their’s.