Laughing Times

Warning: Some readers may find the content of this column to be offensive!
* Three guys were challenged by a girl who said, “Whoever can make me scream the most gets R100.” The white guy goes in and comes out in half an hour and says, “Damn, I just couldn’t make her scream!” The black guy goes in for an hour, but comes out saying, “Man, it’s just not possible!” Finally, the chaar ou goes in with a smile on his face. He returns after 10 minutes and many screams. Both the other guys ask, “How the hell did you do that?” “My old trick,” he says. “I put tikka sauce on my poker!”
* We noticed that all the waiters in a posh restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. “As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.” As he was explaining that, we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. “Sir, that’s another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.”
We replied, “We understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?” “Well,” replied the waiter, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!”
* A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife, “Gosh, I never realised you had such big breasts.” The wife gets all upset and throws him out. While he is sitting in the hall, another guy comes out down the hall. “What happened?” asks the first man. “Well,” replies the other, “I saw my new wife naked tonight for the first time and all I said was ‘Gosh, I didn’t realise you had such a big butt’, then she threw me out.” Just then, a third guy comes storming out into the hall. “Hey,” says the second guy, “Did you put your foot in it as well?” “No,” says the third guy, “But I bloody well could have!”
* Ikes and Martin, two navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Martin’s house and get drunk. Low and behold, they run out of beer, so Ikes says he will go for more. As he is leaving, he tells his wife Barbara to show Martin her best Cape Town hospitality, which she agrees to do. Ikes comes back with the beer and finds Martin and Barbara screwing right on the kitchen floor. Ikes yells, “What are you doing, Barbara?” She replies, “You told me to show Martin my best Kaapenaar hospitality.” Ikes replies, “For cripe sake, woman, arch your back, poor Martin’s nuts are on the cold floor.”
* Your relationship with her is over when: The gardener is wearing your bathrobe; She starts every sentence with the words “To whom it may concern”; Her mother looks at you and starts laughing; You are urged to stir your coffee “very well” before drinking it; Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall plug; People are already referring to her as the “widow”; Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads “Joe’s Place”.
* Three premiership teams were stranded in a desert – Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal. They were there for one week when they finally came across a dead camel. The Man United players said, “As we’re ManCHESTer United, we’ll have the chest.” The Liverpool players said, “As we’re LIVERpool, we’ll have the liver.” “We’re not hungry,” said the ARSEnal players.
* A man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men, of course. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this – when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”
* How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? The prostitute stops screwing you after you’re dead.