Warning: This column may be considered offensive by some readers!
* Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
* A lady from Gauteng purchased timber land in the Drakensberg. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story and then told her to go into the examining room so he could see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?” He replied, “Well, I had to get permits from the Department of Environmental Affairs, the Forestry Department and the Parks Board before I could remove old endangered timber from a recreational area.”
* A newly-married couple were on holiday in the Middle East and came upon the main city bazaar. They were walking around the market, looking at the goods, when they passed a sandal shop. They heard a gentleman say, “You foreigners? Come in, my friends. Come into my humble shop.” So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant then said, “I have some special sandals. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” After hearing this, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, “I don’t think I really need them.” But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, “So, how could sandals turn you into a sex animal?” The merchant replied, “Just try them on, my friend, and trust me!” Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering from his wife, he finally consented to try them on. The husband put the shoes on and a wild look seemed to appear in his eyes, something his wife had not seen in many years – the look of raw sexual power. In the blink of an eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy’s pants. While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant was yelling, “You’ve got the shoes on the wrong feet! You’ve got the shoes on the wrong feet!”
* Three nuns were talking and the first nun said, “I was cleaning Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A pile of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found lots of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replied. The third nun fainted.
* A scientist from Cape Town University has invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and dondered the crap out of him.
* CV of a chaar ou from Phoenix (courtesy of Irene Somai):
“Awe my laani wat kyn ekse, I’m dalaring this cv coz my vrou is jakaring me only parking in the pozi and doing nutin with my life.
“I’m applying for the post I found in the Post, u know dat one dat chooned…ummm ish lani I forgot what I’m applying for but I dallad my matric in the Phoenix Secondary u chek and I passed ekse. Span outies thot I wudn but I pulled something out my klaraz u chek. My hobbies are parking in the lugz, dopping it up and fishing wid the braz, playing thunee and pool n rolling in Phoenix Plaza. Gateway, C2C and backstretch is da place 2 b in the weekends. I never graaf anywer yet hoping u gee me a chance and if I get the job u can cum park off in the lugz by me n my braz u check. I was born n raised in Phoenix lani u check, here we always bring n share. You muz bring ur own bottle n cum so we all can dop from it. Dis is how Phoenix guys roll. Yours truly, Dina Dayalan Danapalan but my bra’s call me Wayne!”
