Warning: Some readers may find this column to be offensive!
* Ikes and Mo are out fishing when Mo decides to have a smoke. He asks Ikes if he has a lighter. Ikes replies, “Yes, I do!” and hands Mo a 15cm long BIC lighter. Surprised, Mo asks, “Where did you get this?” Ikes replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”
Mo asks, “Can I make a wish?” “Sure,” says Ikes, “Just make sure you speak clearly because he is a little deaf.”
“Okay, I will,” says Mo. As he rubs the lamp, a genie appears and asks Mo what he wants.
Mo says, “I want a million bucks.” The genie says okay and goes back into his bottle.
10 seconds later, a million ducks fly overhead. Mo turns to Ikes and says, “Your genie really sucks at hearing, doesn’t he?”
Ikes replies, “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10cm BIC?”
* What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A Pilsener in each hand.
* What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? “Please, no stories!”
* What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A guy will actually search for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
* Ikes: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.”
Sheila: “Is that you or the beer talking?”
Ikes: “It’s me talking to the beer.”
* If you drink too much alcohol, you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
* Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you lean…… on tables, chairs and random people.
* A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser.
A few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife and said: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife, “you’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
* A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
“When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
“When I got shot, you were by my side.
“When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.”
* Little Johnny’s father asked him, “Do you know about the birds and the bees?”
“I don’t want to know!” little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh dad,” little Johnny sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.
“At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech.
“At age eight you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech!
If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really screw, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
* One day Johnny had to go to the toilet, so he raised his hand and asked the teacher, “Can I go to the toilet.” She said no.
Then, five minutes later, he raised his hand and said, “Damn it, I have to piss, so can I go to the toilet.” She said, “No, not with that mouth.” She told him to go to the corner and say his a,b,c’s front-wards and backwards.
He went to the corner and said, “a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.”
Then he said, “z, y, x, w, v, u, t, s, r, q, o, n, m, l, k, j, i, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a.”
The teacher questioned, “Where is the p?” Little Johnny said, “Running down my leg.”
