Warning: Some readers may find the content of this column to be offensive!
* What do you call a woman with no ass hole? Divorced.
* John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife !” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary, “I won the prize for the ‘Best Toast of the Night’.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep!”
* What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I’ll never part with it!
* What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
* What did the guest sing at the Eskimo’s Christmas party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
* David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department one Christmas Eve. Dad said, “What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.” The saleslady looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.” Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right. In that case, I’ll take two.”
* The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, a young lady aged about 20 years old, walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?” “Something for my mother, please,” replied Emily sweetly. “Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?” Without turning a hair, Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”
* A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly. The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass; the Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass; the Finn picked out the fly and drank the champagne; the Russian drank the champagne, fly and all; the Chinese man ate the fly, but left the champagne; the Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese man; the Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass; the Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish; the Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman; the American sued the restaurant and claimed $5 million in compensation; and the Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, “Now spit out all you swallowed!”
* Jennifer was a pretty 18-year-old girl. In the week before Christmas, she sauntered up to the curtain counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section, “How much is this gold tinsel garland.” The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, “This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre.” “Wow, that’s great,” said Jennifer, “I’ll take 12 metres.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland and gave it to Jennifer. She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.”
* Last Christmas I went to the Canary Islands, but didn’t see one canary. This year I’m going to the Virgin Islands and can’t wait to get there!
