Warning: Some readers may find the content of this column to be offensive!
* How does a cricketer describe a nude woman? No cover, no extra cover, two silly points, two fine legs and a gully.
* Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.
* Friends are like panties. Some crawl up your butt, some don’t have the strength to hold you up, some get a little twisted, some are your favourite, some are holy, some are cheap, some are naughty and some actually cover your butt when you need them to.
* A man walks onto a plane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realises she is walking down the aisle towards him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?” She responds, “To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in London.” His mind reeling, he asks, “And what do you do at this meeting?” “Well,” she says, “We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “And what myths are those?” he continues, choking back his excitement. She explains, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Arab descent who make the best lovers.” “Very interesting,” the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?” The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto……..Tonto Mubarak.”
* In medieval times, there was a king who was getting so bored that after dinner one night he decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest ‘weapon’. The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon. He pulled down his pants and tied a five-pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-coloured banners and the band played appropriate music. Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10-pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-coloured banners and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove their superiority, the king finally spoke out. “I have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied not a 20-pound, not even a 30-pound, but a 40-pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-coloured banners and the band played ‘God Save the Queen’!
* What is the difference between anxiety and panic? Anxiety is the first time a man can’t get it up the second time. Panic is the second time he can’t get it up the first time.
* Ike and Mo meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. Mo asks Ikes, “How are you, buddy?” Ikes, speaking very slowly, tells Mo, “I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d.” Mo says in amazement, “Hey, you don’t stutter anymore!” Ikes replies, “Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r.” Mo congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married. “W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e.” “Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks Mo. “W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g, h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!”
