Warning: Some readers may fid this column to be offensive!
* What is the difference between a condom and a coffin? You come in one and go in the other one. But you have to be stiff to get into either of them.
* Three words to ruin a man’s ego: “Is it in?”
* Ikes and his wife were watching a TV programme about mixed emotions. Ikes said, “This is all crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife said, “Of all your friends, you have the biggest tool.”
* A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts, “I am a blind carpenter and I need a job.” The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, “If you’re blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?” The blind carpenter says, “I can tell any piece of lumber by its smell.” The foreman says “Okay, I’ll give you a test and if you pass the test, you’ve got the job.” The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, “I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is.” The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, “Ready!” The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff, moving his head from one side to the other. He says “That’s a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long.” The foreman says, “Duh! That’s right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here’s another piece of lumber for you to identify.” The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, “Ready!” The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff, moving his head from one side to the other and says, “This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.” The foreman does this and says, “Ready!” The carpenter takes another deep sniff, moving his head from side to side. He then says, “That’s a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long.”The foreman is amazed and says, “That’s right, but I still think you’re just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right, you’ve got the job.” The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes, walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, “Ready!” The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff, moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled, takes another sniff and says, “This also is a tough one. Please turn it over so I can smell the other side.” The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over and the foreman says, “Ready!” The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again, looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised and says, “I got it. That’s a toilet door off a tuna boat.” He got the job.
* It was the principal’s last day after 35 years in the teaching profession. He was invited by many people who expressed appreciation for his services to the community. At the first house, he was greeted by the whole family, who handed him a big gift envelope. At the second house, the people presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folk at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, led him up the stairs to the bedroom, and blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant three-course meal. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a R100 note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the money for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Screw him, give him a clip.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
