Warning: Some readers may find this column to be offensive!
* Hubby: I lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t come back yet. Cop: What is her height? Hubby: I never checked. Cop: Slim or healthy? Hubby: Not slim. Can be healthy. Cop: Colour of eyes? Hubby: Never noticed. Cop: Colour of hair? Hubby: Changes according to season. Cop: What was she wearing? Hubby: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit. Cop: Was she driving? Hubby: Yes. Cop: Colour of the car? Hubby: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… and then the hubby started crying. Cop: Don’t worry, sir, we will find your car!
* The first time I went to a chemist to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, “Compared to what?” She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m bigger than that.” Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m bigger than that.” Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, “I’m about that big.” She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, “You’re a medium.”
* A family was travelling when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop and the parents said okay. At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next stop, the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, “What have you kids got back there?” The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realised they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson, he told them that if they got caught, they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children, he hadn’t noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him, he thought they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. She said, “Where am I going to hide it?” The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left. She said, “But it stinks!” The father replied, “Well, can’t you just cover his little nose?”
* 12 monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line, with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell and 11 other bells began to ring.
* After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. “For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.” The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. “Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away, and second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my parents’ house.”
* A limo driver was taking a beautiful model to the airport when the front tyre went flat. He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tyre, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, “Do you need a screwdriver?” He said, “Sure, honey! But first I have to change this tyre.”
