Warning: This column may be considered offensive by some readers!
* When asked by the host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, “No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink.” “Why is that,” the host asked? Her reply: “Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks anyone can!”
* An old priest got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.”
* Morris walks into Dr Cohen’s office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, “I can’t talk. Please help me!” The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, “Put your ‘tool’ on the table here.” Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist so he
does as the doctor says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris’ penis as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, “AAAAAA!” The doctor says, “Good. Come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!”
* Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable? She wanted to mount the horse her way, the night before.
* Why do women wear black underwear? They are mourning for the stiff they buried.
* One day, a Red Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, “Well, son, whenever a Red Indian baby is born, the father goes outside and names the baby after the first thing he sees… Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing.”
* The following quotes are from actual Employee Performance Evaluations: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 3. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” 4. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 5. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 6. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 7. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 8. “He would argue with a signpost.” 9. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 10. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 11. “A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.” 12. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 13. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 14.”If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”15. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 16. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 17. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 18. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
* The perks of being over 40: 1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size; 2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either; 3. People call at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”; 4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac; 5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way; 6. You can eat dinner at 4pm; 7.You can live without sex, but not without glasses; 8. You quit holding your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
