Neo Nontso on ‘Love & Lobola’: The cookbook that reads like a love story

At the launch of 'Love & Lobola', Neo Nontso spoke about lobola negotiations, setting the table every night and what she'd tell families welcoming a new member.

Some cookbooks teach you how to make a dish, but where Love & Lobola differs is that it mostly shows you how a marriage gets made. Chef and author Neo Nontso, known to more than a million followers as @dinewithneo, launched her second cookbook in front of roughly 150 guests. Many dressed up for the occasion at Sandton City’s Exclusive Books in traditional attire, also to mark Heritage Day.

Hosted by Anele Mgudlwa (formerly Mdoda), the conversation ranged from her father’s firm views on engagements to why she sets the table every night.

A love story told through food

Subtitled “A Modern African Romance Told in Recipes and Rituals,” the book follows Neo’s journey from first meeting to marriage. Each recipe doubles as a chapter, covering meeting the parents, hosting friends, marking milestones and, of course, lobola.

It also reflects the way many South Africans cook today: chakalaka sits alongside French-inspired dishes, and heritage dishes appear next to global influences. “Our love is layered. So is our food,” Neo writes in the book.

Mdoda, who contributed to Love & Lobola‘s endorsement, calls it “not just a cookbook – it’s a love story you can taste”.

Lobola, according to her dad

Neo told the room that for her, lobola was never optional. Her first instinct was to speak to her father, “because it’s his show”.

He, she said, was unmoved by a proposal alone. Even with a ring on her finger, he made it clear that nothing was official until a letter was sent and a date was set.

Holding the negotiations in the Eastern Cape was another non-negotiable, because it is her father’s home. “There was no way I was going to take my dad and put him in Joburg,” she said, noting that he needed to be among his people and on his land to run proceedings as he saw fit.

It was also a way to honour her late grandmother and bring the family together.

On the day, the negotiators were not the only ones left in suspense. Neo told the guests at her book launch how she was in the kitchen, hoping to catch a glimpse of the proceedings, while her brother, Afika, paced and ate an apple. Negotiators sat in the car for hours. When it was over, he simply told her it was done and that she could congratulate herself.

The morning after, her father asked her to make his bed one last time. She went into the kitchen instead, and that last meal for him, a breakfast, features in the book’s chapter “My Normal Table”.

Why the table matters so much to Neo

These days, Neo said, dinner is served at 6pm.

“I insist on setting the table every night. My mom believed in placemats.” For her, bonding over a meal doesn’t need big conversation. Looking at one another and chewing together counts too.

The new mom wants her children to read the book one day and know where they come from. “I want them to know that they come from a home that is full of love. And it’s full of food. And it’s full of laughter.”

Asked how her cooking has changed since becoming a mother, Neo pointed to nutrition.

Healthier stokvels? Pooling your rands, but not your nutrition

“I prioritised my health a lot in this pregnancy,” she said. She now wants to create recipes and books that help people eat well without giving up flavour. Oxtail, in other words, stays, but the vegetables join in.

Welcoming someone new into the family

Attending the event on behalf of The Citizen, I asked Neo for one lesson for families welcoming a newcomer, whether as a mkhwenyana, a son-in-law, or a makoti, a daughter-in-law.

Neo’s answer was to welcome people and not judge them too quickly. When she joined her husband’s family, she said, she could tell they wanted to get to know her first, and gave her time. “You can’t really judge someone from one meeting,” she reiterated.

Her advice to families is to trust the person their loved one chose. “If you love him, you’re going to be understanding and loving enough… to understand why he loves this person,” she said, unless there is a genuine red flag.