Sleep divorce may improve your sex life

Who would have ever thought that sexy lingerie, pillow talk and all-round naughtiness may not be as effective as a good night’s sleep. That is, for better sex.

But it seems as if the best aphrodisiac is exactly that: sleep divorce.

While it is often frowned upon and considered a death blow for any relationship, sleeping separately in twin beds or even having your own bedroom completely might just be the spark that makes cuddling and sex more enticing and exciting.

A survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine last year found that more than a third of respondents occasionally or regularly sleep in another room to escape their partner’s snoring, duvet-hogging, sleep talking or general restlessness.

Men, it seems, are more likely to call it quits on bed sharing first, with 45 percent reporting they’d fled to another room, compared to 25 percent of women.

It’s not about relationship distance

But it’s not about distance in the relationship, said psychologist and medical doctor Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys.

“We tend to associate sharing a bed with emotional closeness,” he said. “But poor sleep quality affects empathy, patience, and even sexual desire. Exhausted couples are not exactly craving candlelit connection.”

Ironically, said Dr Redelinghuys, separating physically for purposes of sleep can rekindle a connection that’s been buried under restless nights and resentment.

“When partners no longer see the bed as a potential conflict zone,” he said, “they’re more inclined to see each other with fresh eyes and a bit of intimate longing.”

Which is precisely what happened for a Reddit user and her husband, who were stuck in what she called a “sexual rut” on the channel. Their decision to sleep apart gave rise to a renewed sense of fun, even anticipation for sex.

“It was like dating again,” she said. “Suddenly, ‘Can I come to your room tonight?’ wasn’t just a line in a movie.”

Couples struggle with sex and intimacy

Sex educator Lisa Welsh of Save That Spark, said that more couples are struggling with dilemmas about sex and intimacy.

“They think they’ve lost their chemistry,” she said. “But often, it’s just buried under life’s stresses, sleep deprivation, hormonal disruption, and the frustration of never feeling truly rested.”

Also Read: Naps allow you to recharge but it’s all about timing

Welsh said that removing the pressure to perform every night, whether it be sexually or simply stopping snoring can enhance sexual spontaneity.

“When sex stops being an obligation and becomes a conscious choice, it often improves in both frequency and quality,” she said. “Sleep divorce, done with communication and intention, gives space for that.”

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine survey noted a link between poor sleep and increased relationship conflict. Lack of sleep impairs “empathetic accuracy” which means you’re less able to read your partner’s emotional cues, said Dr Redelinghuys.

In other words, tired people face more conflict between one another and intimacy declines.

Tired people face more conflict

Still, for some, the idea remains unsettling.

Another Reddit user was blunt about sleep divorce.

“I can intellectually understand it works for some people. But I would be miserable doing that.”

Others were far more enthusiastic about the concept:

“We have more intimacy because of it,” another post read. “We still cuddle, talk, and have sex. Weekends we sleep together. It took a while to adjust, but it works.”

“Why would it matter whether you’re next to your boyfriend when you’re literally unable to be aware of his presence? Trash that idea. It’s just sleep,” suggested another Reddit user.

Welsh said that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.

“For some couples, shared sleep is sacred,” she said. “For others, it’s war of the Roses. The key is permission. By giving yourselves permission to choose what serves your relationship best, not what tradition dictates.”

Dr Redelinghuys added that if sleep is disrupted by either partner, there may also be underlying medical conditions to check out.

“If one partner’s snoring or disrupted sleep is the trigger, they should get evaluated by a medical professional,” he said.

“Loud snoring can be a sign of sleep apnoea, which affects overall health and even libido,” he said.

“It’s worth treating for both your relationship and your own life expectancy.”

Now Read: Why a good night’s sleep can be a superpower