How do we stop the cycle of violence against women and children?
His candid confession in no way absolved him of the abuse he had perpetrated against her over the years.
MBOMBELA – The spate of femicide and violence against women and children in recent weeks has had South Africa in an uproar. This after the country celebrated Women’s Month in August. While many took to social media to vent at what can only be described as an outrage, I took a moment to reflect on the time I, too, nearly became an abuser.
Memories of my childhood which have stayed with me and almost shaped the type of partner I would become, include witnessing my mother being beaten by my stepdad. No doubt he had witnessed the very same thing and probably vowed that he would not lift a hand against any woman.
His father too, had in all probability also witnessed the same scenes which played out in our house almost every weekend. The most vivid recollection I have is my helpless mother, using we kids as shields. No doubt she thought the beatings would stop once he realised that he could hurt us. It almost always worked, but as soon as he retreated into the bedroom, she would follow suit and the violence would continue.
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For the most part, we kids would gather in her bedroom the following Saturday morning where she lay, too ashamed to leave the house because the previous night’s episode had left her face badly bruised.
Fast forward to when I reached my teens and started dating. My then girlfriend struck me so hard in the face that I bled profusely and reacted instinctively. I retaliated and found that I could not stop myself. I know this may sound like a poor excuse, but I completely overreacted and that day almost became the monster I had vowed not become.
My stepdad had since died after a long illness, and I remember asking him on the drive to the hospital, ‘Why did you do that? Do you know what a bad example you set for us boys?’
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He looked at me penitently and responded, “We lived in an era during which it was considered the norm. I have regretted every single moment of my outbursts and the day I decided to stop, I saw your mother for the queen she truly was.
“I should have taken the time to love and protect her. I am almost at the end of my life now and my wish is that you erase all those terrible memories and treat your wife better than I did mine.”
While this candid admission does not absolve him, I experienced a glimmer of hope that the possibility existed that men can reverse the curse of perpetrating vile acts on our women in South Africa.
