Generous gifts for our people in the news

It’s the season for giving. Let’s be generous with gifts to those who made headlines this year.

Cyril Ramaphosa: He receives an Ace Shock Protector to guard against unpleasant surprises and party rivals. Includes a year’s supply of stay-awake pills. By keeping his eyes open, the president will get to know what’s going on in the country, with fewer “Uh-oh!” moments.

Jacob Zuma: His Zupta Monopoly game is over. Legal options have run out. No more Tata ma chance. Go to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not fly to Cuba, or Dubai. Do not collect R200 million.

Ace Magashule: Known as Mr Ten Percent because of his alleged dodgy deals when he was Free State premier, Magashule says Zuma must not take all the blame for the collapse of state-owned enterprises. Let’s apportion blame. Magashule gets 10%, including jail time.

Busisiwe Mkhwebane: The State Security Agency reportedly dictated the public protector’s order instructing parliament to amend the constitution to change the mandate of the SA Reserve Bank. This puppet on a string gets Mad Magazine’s Spy vs Spy bumper edition.

Shamila Batohi: The national director of public prosecutions gets three extra return tickets from Dubai, to bring back the Gupta brothers.

Ronald Lamola: The justice minister gets a spine, to stop him releasing violent criminals who burn police vans.

Fikile Mabalula: The fearless transport minister wants South Africa to have a national shipping carrier. Considering the sinking fortunes of South African Airways, Eskom, SABC, the Passenger Rail Agency of South Africa, etc, Fikile gets f…all. Unless he wants a rubber ducky to play with in the bath. Can he run a bath?

Gwede “Tiger” Mantashe: In September, Uncle Gweezy told investors about newly discovered Hazenile, not realising it was a fake-news mineral invented as an April Fool’s joke. In November, he tried to bulldust his way out of a sex scandal and attempts to bribe journalists. If you unscramble the word Hazenile, what name does it most closely represent? Mantashe’s present is tea with aunty.

Helen Zille: A year’s holiday away from Twitter. It won’t be all bad. She’ll be based in Cape Town, whose isiXhosa name is iKoloni. The Colony. Haibo!

John Steenhuisen: After enduring an ambush interview on eNCA, the DA interim leader gets to sing a duet with Shahan Ramkissoon. Homeless, as harmonised by Paul Simon and Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

Julius Malema: Free tickets for all 2020 Springbok rugby games. Terms & conditions apply. Attendance is compulsory, as is singing the full national anthem. No kneeling required. Transport by EFFrirent. Music by the VBS choir singing, Love me tender.

Mogoeng Mogoeng: Free training on StayIn-Your-Lane Simulator. You be the judge, chief. You don’t be the politician.

Herman Mashaba: A year’s lessons on how to listen to others, to avoid the People’s Dialogue being a monologue.

Iqbal Survé: Another tiger. This one’s about to tank. A flattering mirror, that’s all a narcissist needs.

Siya Kolisi: Oh Captain, Our Captain. You get voted in as president.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, peace and goodwill to all.

Martin Williams, DA councillor and former editor of The Citizen.

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