This brand-new and gloriously makey-uppy award is the equivalent of a participation prize
I don’t normally get a belly laugh out of the first pages of any newspaper, but this weekend I did, for there was the proud president of the United States finally receiving his coveted Peace Prize from… why, Fifa, the world governing body for soccer, of course.
Not only did they award him this inaugural trophy – a gold-plated globe (hooray! Gold is his favourite thing, and it’s much bigger than the silly little Nobel medal) with hands grasping at it from below as if from the grave – but they also gave him a certificate and a special big boy medallion that he can dangle around his neck, “a beautiful medal for you that you can wear everywhere you want to go”, as Fifa president Gianni Infantino told him.
I wonder if he took it off at bathtime? Did he sleep with it under his pillow that night? Will he wear it to state events? Or just when playing alone in his backyard golf course?
As prizes go, this brand-new and gloriously makey-uppy award is the equivalent of a participation prize, or the Cup mommy and daddy give you for being the cleverest little boy in the world.
It has the exact gravitas of a My Favourite Teacher mug in December, or World’s Greatest Dad tankard on Father’s Day.
It’s a fantastical prize that perfectly aligns with the imaginary wars its beaming recipient believes he has ended in Ethiopia, Serbia, Kosovo and Egypt.
I love it so much. I also love that none of this was approved by the Fifa council, who weren’t even consulted, and nobody has said who else was considered for the prize (because obviously the answer is nobody), although I think I can guess who will receive it next year. Again.
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Nonetheless, Fifa has now set the bar – although where exactly I could not say – so coming soon I’m expecting similarly suitable, considered prizes from various random groups, and frankly the Nobel/Pulitzer/Booker/Academy/ Grammy crowds might as well quit while they’re ahead.
Imagine it: the Badminton World Federation Prize for Literature.
There’ll be an International Golf Federation Best Actor Award and the International Cheer Union Prize for Economics.
I anticipate the World Bridge Federation Prize for Chemistry, and meanwhile Médicins San Frontières could create their own Song of the Year gong.
And every single one simply must go to Donald J Trump.
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