Finding out what your favourite pizza topping says about you

If you were a pizza topping what would you be and why?

Before you say bacon, this was the question I had to answer in my family’s newsletter.

Yes, as we are scattered like crumbs across the world, my sons, their partners, Himself, and I all contribute to a monthly opus via the platform Letterloop.

In advance we submit questions, then we all answer them, pop in photos and generally amuse ourselves, before our robot overlords collate it all and e-mail it back to us.

At first I was dubious, but it turns out to be good fun. So, if you were a pizza topping what would you be and why?

It’s a stupid question. It’s an excellent question.

I chose several toppings for myself:

• Pineapple – sweet enough, but what’s she doing here?

• Olives – a little bit salty, not universally liked, but when loved, loved well.

• Chilli flakes – adding hot rage to an otherwise mild occasion.

• Buffalo mozzarella – determined to be fancy even though it’s a casual affair.

• Extra mozzarella – cheesy as heck.

And then some more toppings for other people. No names given:

• Four cheeses – rich, orange, and will probably kill you.

• Rocket – bitter and twisted.

• Onions – raw inside, but tough at the edges.

• Sausage – you never know what version is going to turn up.

• Mushroom – cute as a button, but can get too much.

• Sweetcorn – controversial, wrong, and everywhere.

• Garlic – boldly hiding a multitude of sins.

• Spinach – wilts under pressure.

• Chicken – zero imagination, but reliable.

• Anchovies – nobody understands why you love them.

• Salami – nobody understands why you don’t love them.

• Meatballs – in the wrong place at the wrong time.

• Feta cheese – faking it in the hope of making it.

• Red peppers – quietly bringing a little virtue to proceedings.

• Green peppers – loudly bringing a little virtue to proceedings.

• Basil – has found its purpose and won’t shut up about it.

• Pesto – cousin to basil, suffering from imposter syndrome.

• Avocado – well intentioned, badly informed.

• Ham – when not invited, it arrives regardless to “surprise” you.

• Tomatoes – a hot mess.

• Tuna – seemed like a better idea at the time, and now you’re stuck with it. Kind of like this column.