Warning: Some readers may find the content of this column to be offensive!
* Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
* Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
* How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party? Chick to chick!
* What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells!
* What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
* One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the mailman commented. Bob, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.” The mailman thought a moment and said, “How do you play that?” “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The mailman laughed and said, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.” “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded, “Your name came up four or five times.”
* Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.” Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage.” Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?” Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”
* A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” “Yes, see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of ‘tools’ are there?” The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s 20s, his ‘tool’ is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!”
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
* What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
* What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? A mistletoe.
* What do you call a smelly Santa? A ‘Farter Christmas’.
* The four stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3. You dress up as Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
