Warning: This column may be considered offensive to some readers!
* Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?” Interviewee: “Honesty.” Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” Interviewee: “I don’t really give a f*&^ what you think.”
* Actor Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm when he claimed that he had caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to women. It begs the question: Was that a sound medical possibility or was Michael Douglas just another Democrat to blame everything on Bush?
* The National Intelligence Service issued new rules of conduct for agents: They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip clubs. The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in this behaviour, they can stand for elections like everyone else.
* Sue and Jane are together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good-sized potato in each hand and says, “You know, Jane, these remind me of Ike’s balls.” Jane, impressed, says, “Hmm, that big, huh?” “No,” Sue answers. “That dirty.”
* There is a new study out about women. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say they don’t care; they love him and would have married him anyway.
* Einstein’s other theory: The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag, and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.
* A mafuta housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralysed! I can’t get up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”
* Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
* After everything I keep hearing daily concerning the Arabs, Palestinians, Afghans, etc, I have decided to search my roots. So, from now on, please call me by my new Muslim name. Seldom Bin Laid.
* Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a petrol attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray fuel all over the car.
* When the son asked his widower father why he married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy, instead of a woman his own age, the bally said, “Son, I’d rather have 10 per cent of a good business than 100 per cent interest in a bankrupt one.”
*A young woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for condoms. He asks, “What size would you like?” The woman responds, “Oh, just mix them up, I’m not going steady with anyone right now.”
* It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities. In fact, men have known and practiced this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, “Oops, gotta run!”
* Bob is sitting at the bar looking very down in the dumps. The bartender says, “What’s wrong Bob?” Bob replies, “After 20 years, married sex is hard. Some nights I ask myself, am I using my dick or a tranquiliser dart?”
* A lady golfer is stung by a wasp. She goes to the green-keeper and says, “I’ve been stung by a wasp.” “Where did it get you?” he asks. “Between the first and second hole.” “Well, I think your stance must be a little too wide.”
