Warning: This column may be considered offensive by some readers!
* What is the difference between condoms and men? Condoms have changed. They’re no longer thick and insensitive!
* Question: What is the most common sleeping position of a man? Answer: Around.
* What do you call a guy who masturbates more than twice a day? A terror wrist!
* How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
* How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
* How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
* What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
* What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient!
* A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
* What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.
* How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife’s clothes.
* Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? They hate to see a man have a good time!
* What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman.
* Why is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you.
* What do you call a woman with an opinion? Wrong.
* What do you call a Chinese woman with an opinion? Wong
* What do you call a woman who can’t draw? Tracy.
* What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
* How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her.
* Some rules for women: If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? Love our mothers. Love our sisters. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship”. Socks never constitute a gift. We did water the plants, they died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
* Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered, “your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up, won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his nose and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and screwed her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s nasal hairs. The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered, “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you banging my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my nose for a scoreboard!”
