Let’s change history and give the Brits bunny chow

The battlefields came alive this past weekend with the celebration of Talana Live and the re-enactments of the Anglo-Boer War.

From the moment the cannon fired to signify the start of battle, to the last act of defiance by Winston Churchill (Newcastle Advertiser’s Kyle Cowan), the re-enactment definitely did justice to the original war waged.

Ironically though, despite all the action-packed events of the re-enactment, the moment that got the crowd excited the most was when the Indian stretcher-bearers couldn’t carry the wounded soldiers back to the camp. Let’s face it: it’s hard to be an Indian when re-enactment cast is needed.

The problem is, to be historically factual, an Indian can only be a stretcher-bearer. There’s never chance of a promotion. You can’t pick up a rifle and charge into battle. Neither can you sneak into the enemy camp and sabotage their food and water supply.

No, you have to sit tight and wait for soldiers to get wounded, then run onto the battlefield and carry them away again. It gets a bit monotonous at times. All those wounded bodies, no sound systems, blood on your new shoes and bullets breaking your gel as they fly by your hair.

Surely there must be more to it… While the traditions of battle re-enactments can’t be changed, they can always be re-imagined.

In the re-imagining, the Indian stretcher-bearers wouldn’t just be carrying away the wounded. No, they would also open a grocery store back at camp (on the corner of course).

Here you would find great discounts on all your war essentials, and maybe a few extras too.

Bunny chows would be the staple food of the troops and an open car boot next to the store would house the liquid courage. The guns would be ‘kitted up’ with gold, and the carts would have mags.

The soldiers would also never actually fire a gun; instead they would be held back by the rest of the troop because, as you know, they’re tigers when let loose.

The war would be settled via negotiation and there would never have to be a drop of blood spilled.

What a war it would be.