10 Gaslighting signs to look out for in relationships and at work

Perhaps one of the best examples of gaslighting is the 2016 movie The Girl On The Train.

Rachel Watson, portrayed by Emily Blunt, is an infertile alcoholic, recently divorced, jobless and suffering from frequent black-outs. Now living with her friend, Cathy, she rides the train to New York everyday which passes by her old house she shared with her husband Tom Watson.

As the movie progresses it is revealed that Tom planted false memories into Rachel’s head as a way to emotionally manipulate her.

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So, what exactly is gaslighting?

Murray Hewlett, CEO of Affinity Health explains that gaslighting is an abusive technique used to cause someone to doubt their thoughts and feelings.

“At first, the abuse is often subtle. For example, if someone is telling a story, the abuser may question a minor detail. The person may admit they were mistaken about a detail and then move on. The abuser may use that previous ‘victory’ to further discredit the person, perhaps by questioning the person’s memory.

“Over time, the individual may begin to doubt their emotions and memories. They may rely on their abuser to determine whether their memory is correct, or their emotions are ‘reasonable’. The abuser takes advantage of this trust to gain control over their victim.”

Gaslighting doesn’t only happen in relationships

While gaslighting is often portrayed in popular culture as a man abusing his wife, it can also happen in platonic settings such as the workplace.

In such an instance, it can take the form of a co-worker invalidating something you said, questioning the veracity of your statements, sabotaging your efforts and finding supposed flaws in your work.

Speaking to the blog Fingerprint for Success, licenced psychologist Dr Elizabeth Lombardo said if you are feeling overwhelmed with self-doubt after a meeting with a co-worker and find yourself second-guessing your version of events, you are probably being gaslighted.

10 signs that you are being gaslighted

1. Lies

Even if you are confident that you are being told a lie, the person gaslighting you will try to convince you that it’s the truth. This is intended to confuse you and make you question your reality.

2. Distortion

You may be sure that you heard something, but someone who is gaslighting you will often make you feel guilty by denying ever saying such a thing. This tactic may cause your memory to be questioned, and the victim may be accused of being incorrect.

Phrases like ‘You don’t remember, you’re wrong’ or ‘No, that’s not how it happened’ may be used. They may also employ a technique known as ‘distortion’, in which they distort older memories or facts – these can be different from what you’re discussing, but they will usually add to the confusion.

3. Downplaying your emotions

You may say something and be met with a smirk or a laugh. The person gaslighting you may accuse you of being overly sensitive, making you or your feelings appear insignificant.

4. Feelings of anxiety and self-doubt

Gaslighting is not something that happens overnight; it takes time. The accumulation of lies and negative comments creates an environment in which you feel anxious and begin to doubt yourself.

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5. Words take priority over actions

Examine a person’s actions; with gaslighters, their actions and words often tell two very different stories. Anyone can say anything, and words have no meaning; what matters is what they do.

6. Positive reinforcement

Although it may appear counterproductive, people who gaslight frequently include positive reinforcement among the negativity. When you hear it, you might wonder if the gaslighter is as bad as you thought, and it makes you uneasy, making you question what you thought you knew. Keep an eye on whatever you are praised for; did it benefit the gaslighter?

7. Perplexity

The person gaslighting understands that confusion breeds weakness, so the goal is to undermine your stability. It’s not uncommon for victims to seek reassurance and stability from someone they care about or crave approval from – usually the gaslighter.

8. Projection

Expect the gaslighter to accuse you of something they do themselves. It could be cheating, substance abuse, or something completely different. It frequently causes you to feel the need to defend yourself, diverting attention away from the gaslighter’s actions.

9. Isolating you from friends and family

You might discover that the gaslighter is attempting to turn people against you – or making you believe they are. They are usually master manipulators.

A gaslighter will occasionally tell you things that they want you to believe another person is thinking. It’s important to remember that this is often different from the case and that the gaslighter is likely to lie to you regularly.

It’s another attempt to make you uneasy and wonder who you can trust. Alternatively, they may try to convince others that you are unstable or a liar to make you question your reality.

10. Altering your environment

They may begin to alter your surroundings in a variety of ways. Some of your prized possessions may have been mysteriously damaged, or they may have vanished entirely. Things may appear missing for some time before magically reappearing where you thought they had been all along.

*Compiled by Xanet Scheepers