Look, 2020 was a dumpster fire. Everyone went from Happy New Year, to being locked down and lonely or holed up with a lover and horny to realising that being in a bad space mentally and emotionally will really mess with your sex drive. The new year has rolled around and like folks, like international borders are open. With everything that has happened this is the perfect time to shake off not only the previous year, but decades of bad sexual practices and try something new. We are living in a new normal so why should your sex life remain the same?
Here are four ways to upgrade your sex life in 2021:
New year, so try new things: Often people will not bother with trying new things in bed because they know what gets them off. We all love the classics, but sometimes you have to switch it up. Chances are the research you do will lead you to find even more things you could possibly try and I would recommend trying the ones that tickle your fancy (in a safe and consensual manner). If you don’t like it, no harm no foul, but if you do like it now you have another thing to add to your box of tricks.
Google it: Rule 34; if it exists there is porn of it. The internet is awash with tonnes of information about sex, and some of it is actually pretty helpful. There are vlogs that speak about fetishes, there are TikToks videos that teach you about kink, instagram accounts that outline different types of sex toys. If the you want something physical there are books such as Quirky Quick Guide to Having great sex and Dr T’s A Guide to Sexual Health and Pleasure that break down everything from sending nudes. There is a cornucopia of wisdom about coitus out there if you do your research. People are doing the hard work so you don’t have to. Read, honey, read. Knowing what is on the menu means that when you are in bed, you know what you would like to order.
Practice speaking about the sex you want: Once you know what is out there now comes the time to vocalise it. Shake off the idea that people will simply know what you want, or you can not Speaking about the sex you want is a big part of owning it. Start small. Send a message or an article from your web searches. No need to be a sexpert to speak about it.
Figure out your emotional relationship to sex: for some sex is a fun activity, for some it is a romantic one, but for many sex can be cloaked in shame, embarrassment, past trauma or messed up ideas passed down from your pastor/parents/ local nurse at the clinic. Figuring out any barriers you have to fully exploring your sex life will really help when expanding and upgrading it. Do you feel ashamed of liking sex? Do you feel you must overcompensate to show you are a man? Do you secretly hate sex because you hate your body? Figure out the deep nitty gritty emotional things (as much as you can) and try and navigate around them on this new journey. It really helps to deal with your emotional mess when bumping uglies with other humans.
About The Author
Tiffany Kagure Mugo is co-founder & curator of HOLAA! a Pan-African hub that advocates for, & tackles issues surrounding African female sexuality. She is a TED speaker, host of the radio show Between the Sheets on TransAfrica Radio. She has written for numerous anthologies & contributes to spaces speaking about sex and politics. She is based in Johannesburg.