Relationship expert Lisa Welsh said that being a better lover happens outside the bedroom, and not between the sheets. Here's why.
Being a better lover has nothing to do with the Kama Sutra and everything to do with awareness and connection.
Studies have consistently shown that couples who engage in regular non-sexual intimacy report higher relationship satisfaction over time. Research also suggests that emotional bonds strengthen when partners make time for simple, honest conversations.
Sexual wellness educator Lisa Welsh of lisawelsh.com, who has previously presented talks at The Love Expo, said many people confuse being a better lover with what happens in the bedroom. “Most lovers aren’t struggling in the bedroom,” she said. “They’re struggling with connection. If you fix that, almost everything else improves.” She added that there are seven ways to build stronger bonds.
Build emotional intimacy on purpose
Emotional intimacy doesn’t arrive on demand. It grows through daily, ordinary moments. Research has shown that emotional closeness develops when partners regularly share thoughts, feelings, and frustrations, and when they feel heard, not judged. Welsh said even small pockets of genuine connection matter. “Ten minutes where you actually talk about what’s on your mind is worth more than a fancy date where you barely connect,” she noted. “A lover who knows your inner world is a better lover by default.”
Listen and talk like you mean it
Active listening isn’t nodding while scrolling on your phone. It’s paying attention. A Marriage.com study found that couples who prioritise honest, consistent check-ins every day report higher emotional satisfaction.
“Communication is where desire either grows or dies,” said Welsh. “When you listen without interrupting, you’re telling your partner: your voice is safe here.” Simple “I feel…” or “I need…” statements keep discussions from becoming combative.
Appreciation feeds love and lust
One of the simplest ways to boost connection is to be consistently appreciative. Research has shown that regular, genuine gratitude increases cooperation, closeness, and romance. “People think passion comes from big romantic gestures,” Welsh said. “But it’s the small, steady acknowledgements that keep love alive. One sincere thank-you a day goes a long way.” She added that when people feel valued, they relax and desire grows from that safety.
Share your life, not just your house
Welsh said that couples often end up living “side by side” instead of “with each other.” Studies in relationship research show that couples who intentionally take up joint hobbies, for example, are more likely to enjoy long-term satisfaction. “It doesn’t have to be dramatic,” Welsh shared. “Cook together, take a walk after work, try something new. You fall in love again when you make memories together.” The point is to stop being roommates and start being partners again.
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Pay attention to your partner
Staying attuned to each other matters more than technique in the bedroom. “Great lovers aren’t defined by skill; they’re defined by attentiveness,” Welsh said. “Put your phone down. Make eye contact. Notice their mood. Ask how they’re really doing.” She added that emotional safety is one of the strongest predictors of long-term desire.
Vulnerability is a turn-on
Trust and vulnerability go hand in hand. It’s easy to pretend everything is fine. But sharing the less polished parts of yourself, the worries, hopes, and insecurities, creates intimacy that naturally feeds desire. “True vulnerability is one of the most erotic forms of courage,” Welsh noted. “A lover who lets themselves be known invites deeper connection. Share one thing you normally hide; that alone can shift the tone of a relationship.”
Shake up the routine
Welsh said that routine can dull romance. A little novelty can bring it back to life, however. “A tiny surprise, a spontaneous outing, or changing your usual rhythm resets connection,” said Welsh. “Surprise keeps relationships alive. It shows your partner that they matter enough for you to create something fresh. Being a better lover isn’t about technique. It’s about curiosity, attentiveness, and connection.”
She added that small, consistent habits build emotional intimacy, and when connection improves, desire naturally follows. There are several workshops on offer at this year’s Love Expo, which takes place at the Sunbet Arena at the end of this month.
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