Decaf drinkers are self-aware, and they’re not afraid to be dull.
Coffee is no longer just a cup of comfort or a quick pick-me-up. It is ritual, it is culture, it is flavour, and for some, it is even a badge of identity. Ordering a cappuccino because you simply feel like one has become old school.
These days, it is about the shot that makes it onto Instagram, the coffee’s froth that makes TikTok sexy and the moment that says as much about you as what you ordered in your cup.
You order a…
Flat White. You pretend that you are not flashy, but also more sophisticated than simply asking for a coffee with milk or a cappuccino. You are most likely in a creative job, perhaps at an ad agency. You may be a writer, and you like wearing polar necks and jackets in winter, corduroy, and anything else that makes you seem and feel arty.
But of course, while it’s all subtle references to you, except to others, it screams like Uncle Piet’s Hawaiian shirt. The risk here, depending on how you accessorise your coffee, is that you might be trying way too hard to be cool. Just like Uncle Piet.
Cool, like your uncle with loud shirts
Americano (Black Coffee). You are straightforward, traditional, disciplined, and a no-bull kind of person who likes to keep things simple without fuss. Black coffee drinkers are often more goal-driven and sometimes a bit stubborn. They have also been called dependable, stable and kind.
Espresso. There are two kinds of espresso drinkers: the type that learned how to drink it in Italy after the waiter in the café laughed at their flat white order. The other kind loves the intensity, the reflective moments that seem to go hand in hand with a purposeful stare into the distance.
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On the other hand, they are also bold, efficient and direct. Always on the go, espresso drinkers love intensity and don’t waste time. They are confident and maybe a bit impatient, and they don’t like small talk. Espresso drinkers are often leaders and risk-takers.
Latte drinkers are trendy
Latte. You are trendy, but a bit retro and haven’t given in to ordering Flat Whites…yet. Latte drinkers are usually warm and accommodating people with a mix of indulgence and approachability as their personality mainstays.
They prefer to keep things pleasant and easy, friendly and are burdened with a bit of people pleasing. Latte drinkers are not necessarily boring, but they do like routine and are often a wee bit resistant to change.
Cappuccino drinkers are refined. A bit more traditional than latte drinkers, but not as set in their ways, despite always ordering the same brew. Cappuccino drinkers like the ritual of coffee, the cute patterns in the foam and tend to also be in love with ASMR and all kinds of aesthetically pleasing bits and bobs.
Brunches, coffee shop meet-ups and hookups, this is where their social butterflying happens. When in a meeting, the go-to is always a cappuccino for some folk. This, despite enjoying other incarnations privately. Nobody wants to be seen as a ponytail pretender, unless of course, everyone else around the table is the same, too.
Outliers and eccentrics
Macchiato. The brew that’s an outlier, a stander-out in the crowd. It’s like the friend who’s got a strong personality, is somewhat eccentric, is bold, and has limitless energy. It’s the drink of the confident and the adventurer.
Macchiato drinkers are often tarred with a bit of mystery, though not the Austin Powers, supercilious kind. Rather, the James Dean kind. They’re edgy, and it’s not on purpose; it’s just who they are.
Mocha is all about playfulness, a sense of humour, irony and a little indulgence in life’s little pleasures. Mocha drinkers don’t take themselves too seriously and have a great sweet tooth to boot. They’d often order a delicious dessert or piece of cake to hold hands with their drink. It is often ordered by true creatives, optimists and those with a bit of sexy kink beneath the surface.
Iced Coffee and Cold Coffee drinkers saw it on TikTok first. They’re trendy and will adapt to any tastes or preferences to achieve it. Concomitant to that, they’re a bit adventurous and extroverted at the same time. This, while not minding standing out from the crowd, especially if it makes for good content.
Decaf drinkers will never jaywalk on the way to yoga class. They like to be in control, avoid anything edgy and tend to be mindful, spiritual and health-conscious. The coffee won’t give the pick-me-up that others do, but it does offer a premium feel and, of course, a price tag.
Decaf drinkers are self-aware while being self-aware, and they’re not afraid to be dull. But that’s because grabbing a cup of decaf while in tights with a gym towel over your shoulder is a good look.
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